If having foot-in-mouth syndrome were prosperous, he'd be effing loaded

Remember this guy?

As much as I love my husband (and I do), he has that syndrome where he verbal vomits in the worst way. I'll admit, there are times I wonder if he's saying exactly what he means but most of the time, I know instantly he didn't mean to say it, or has no idea what words fell from his lips like mini weirdo bullets.

Erik G's top comments in the recent days (please hold the applause):
Where's my beautiful beast?
How's my b!tch?
*looks lovingly at me* You're face is God awful.
You don't feel as big anymore. Right here...and here *pinches sides one at a time*
I did get a day's worth of calcium from my 3-way

How lucky am I? <---rhetorical. Seriously though. I know what he means. I think. Sometimes. I've come to know the names are sweet (however retarded they come out), I'm obvs supermodel skinny (since I use to be a whale by the sound of it) and the 3-way isn't as sexy as it sounds (Skyline chili).

And every time he talks, I refer to this because it's as random as what he says:

What about you...has your loved one ever said something that sounded like puke but you *knew* what they meant to say? Tellmetellmetellme.

Candyland. OUT.

Voted most likely to have *that* child

Four year prison, called it high school. Yeah that's some devastatin' shit.-New Medicine

So, I did the thing I said I wouldn't do for nine years and eleven months-went to my ten year reunion. The closest thing I can compare it to is one of my many mascaras. It wasn't worth all the hype, but it got the job done. I spent four years daydreaming about how Steven Tyler would rescue me and beg me to come on tour with him (instead of learning), so I guess I can't complain.

The food was okay. The music...meh...(lacked New Medicine), the peeps were still basically the same but ten years older and the hubs spiked his hair which means he looked absolutely delicious (he never spikes it anymore=a treat). And after seeing old pics of me, pre-Candyland, he still loves me. How weird is that? Pretty weird.

I probably didn't impress anyone with my query war stories or verbal vomits about the offspring, but I don't care. The skin I'm in, is the skin I've always meant find. It just took ten years to do it.

Fast forward ten hours.I was awakened by a scream, only to find my child had gotten her foot caught in a chair...and then, the sweet, "so smart" princess I blabbered on and on about the night before, bleh bleh bleh, got her hair caught in a hand-held fan. So much for bragging rights.

And now, there's no one left to impress, nothing left to live up to, and no one whispering in the corner about how much (or how little) I've changed. Just me wondering how the hell this happened, and wondering how long before it happens again...

How about you friends, what was your favorite part about four year prison? Mine was obviously the danger of getting caught passing notes. Ooohh the rush.
Candyland class of 2010. OUT.

Feel me up Friday Awards: Shes a fainter

Thanks for all your guesses re: yesterday's stupid vanity plate post. I have to say,there were some pretty entertaining guesses, like these:
Wanna be in Pennsylvania. They obviously moved to Ohio and can't wait to get back to the PA. Or PV, or maybe it's a Pirate Village. Who knows?-Matthew Rush


Its probably supposed to say "Wanna be in TV" but they are so cracked out, they couldnt spell it correctly.
Maybe some reality tv flunkie.-Robin Lucas


Because I love him so...
It clearly says "Read Numb, by Sean Ferrell."
You're welcome.-Sean, himself


And then, there were the voices of reason:
Frequent travelers to Mexico refer to Puerto Vallarta as PV, so that's my guess: Wanna be in PV. Could be an older couple with a second home there, perhaps.-Tawna Fenske


I got nothing.-Kelly Breakey


I have no effing idea what it meant and fortunately for me, I'll have the rest of my life to let it simmer. And as much as I wish it would leave my head, I'm sure it won't. Ever. Now...Without further adieu, the winner of the New Meds prize pack is...commenter # 19~ Kelly Breakey!!! I still have your address from your J2W shirt order, so I'll ship out ASAP!

Yes, this is the jinkfest version of Random.org. But it works.\

Also, friends, I've got some books to unload before the big move.

-Linger by Maggie Stiefvater

-Liar by Justine Larbalestier

-Picture the Dead by Lisa Brown and Adele Griffin

-Dreaming Anastasia by Joy Preble

If you want to win:

Leave a comment with your email +1

If you want extra entries, do the usual Tweeting/FBooking/Blogging, etc. and add 1 point per promo. 

Tally those babies up in your comment also because I was never very good at math and really I just don't wanna. Sorry, but not open internationally. Contest ends Wednesday September 1st and winners announced Thursday the 2nd because Friday the 3rd Candyland will be blogging from a new location, with less pace.

If you don't need books, but still want to comment, please do! You know Candyland loves it. Now go wash your hands before I tell you stuff. Secret stuff. Go ahead. I'll be waiting.

Random Fact: I once worked a short stint at a facility for the mentally retarded. When I say short, I mean 2 weeks. I ended up leaving because on my last day of training, we had the grand tour which involved watching clients undress and bathe. I'm not sure if it was the smell of the place or the lack of clothing or what, but I passed out. Then, an hour later. I passed out again. Then at the end of the day, when an older man was stripped and placed into the tub, I passed out AGAIN. They sent me home.

Random Fact: Besides being a fat Tiny Dancer, I was also a fat karate kid. I was briefly infatuated with kicking asses and taking names. Mentally, I'm still at that place, but physically...meh...better than when I was nine.

Thhhaannnkkkkssss. That was very veryVERY nice today. I've missed your touch. And you know how tense I was after the missed New Meds show. Now I feel great! That should last me another week.

So friends, I've got a TEN YEAR reunion to go to tomorrow. Did you/have you/will you go to yours?
Candyland. OUT.

What the?

When driving, reading vanity plates *shouldn't* be my numero uno concern but I do scan them. But the other day, insert a vanity plate that required an obscene amount of thought. To which the hubs and I ultimately gave up and took a picture. Soooo, you tell me. What the hell does this say?

Tomorrow, the winner of New Medicine prize pack announced (you still have until noon to leave a comment HERE to enter) and a BOOK GIVEAWAY!!! Dont miss it.
Candyland. OUT.

Never get between a girl and her medicine

Dear suckysucksters LC Pavillion in Columbus, OH,

Thanks for ruining my Tuesday that was supposed to be filled with all things rock. You never got your shizz together after changing venues at the "last" minute (like two weeks before), and because of your stupid floor wristband giveaway the the first 2,000 people in line, you screwed us out of seeing the only band we came for.

In the sun and heat, we stood for two hours, only to vaguely hear New Medicine play from beyond the wall in the massive line that wrapped around two city blocks. These other concert-goers missed falling in love the way I did, New Meds missed gaining about 1200-1500 new fans because we weren't able to get inside fast enough, and Candyland missed her mandatory dose of JakeBR80DanRyan doin' what they do best, on stage.

We did make it in, eventually, no thanks to you, LCP. By the time we arrived to the front gate, security had all but given up, stopped checking tickets and bags for bombs and brass knuckles, and let everyone run through like a herd of panicked cattle. Lucky for you, LCP, it wasn't a complete waste because I got plenty of *love* from my boys, even though I wasn't able to get to them fast enough to show mine. Also, no thanks to you, LCP, I got an autographed CD with matching sticker and poster for one lucky Candyland commenter on yesterday's post. (If you missed it, CLICK HERE and leave a comment. You have until tomorrow noon to enter.)

So again, LC Pavillion in Columbus, OH, thanks for being so awesome (SARCASM). Because of you, I'm forced to show my face yet again to prove how quickly my day turned around, once I saw my dudes. They breathed the life back into me, that YOU stole. Unless you invite New Medicine back to play your venue, LCP, WE WILL NEVER RETURN.Yeeeaahhhthanksss.

In the stupid line outside while New Medicine played. 

Is it me or does he keep getting cuter?

I'm pretty sure Dan's falling in love here (she likes to think).

Cuter still. And totally didn't know the camera was on me.

Happily New Meds ever after. The end <3

So friends, tell me, have you ever missed something (like a concert) you *had* to see, but couldn't?
Candyland. OUT.

If you do it too much, it starts to burn a little

Today, I must prove a point. Bear with.
I'm going to the Uproar show to see New Medicine. New Medicine is awesome. New Medicine plays great music. I'm going to Tweet about New Medicine. And then I'm going to FaceSpace and MyBook about New Medicine and then I'm going to mail letters, hand written to everyone in my address book about New Medicine and then I'm going to write my own song about how crazy awesome New Medicine is. And that song will rock like New Medicine.

Then, I'm going to put on my New Medicine shirt and write a book based on New Medicine's rise to the top which will be a best seller on the NY Times list. I'll then Tweet about how amazing the book is, how amazing my New Medicine shirt is and take some new medicine from the cabinet because the old stuff blows.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have a contest inspired by New Medicine, say nothing but New Medicine everytime someone talks to me, and create my own charity called New Medicine's punkettes for all the little girls who want to be New Medicinites when they grow up. Then I'll Tweet about that...*end point*

By the end of the week, you'll care less and less about New Medicine because I've said it SOSOSOSO much, their name has lost all meaning. I'm only using New Meds as an example, even though I reference them sometimes a lot, but the truth is, the more I see writers push their work over and over and over and over, the less I care. There are a few debut books this year I was honestly interested in, until the writers, themselves, over-hyped their own work.

I think the line is very fine between effective promo and self-gratification. Sometimes I take a liking to something based on other people's opinions, and others I feel the source maybe isn't as great/deserving/good/fill in the blank as I *want* them to be.

Choose your words wisely, friends. Because there's someone reading them and soaking it all in, good and bad. Be courteous of your readers, and non-readers, and more importantly, grateful (as opposed to entitled) anyone cares at all. With that said, thank you all for reading all my nonsense day after day after New Medicine day (I had to).

So tell me, does a lot of hype get you pumped or turn you off? Leave a comment today and be entered to win an autographed New Medicine CD. Winners announced Friday.
CandylandatUproarwithNewMedstoday. OUT.

Learning to let go: "New Medicine for childbirth" is a real thing

Believe it or not, that's actually a phrase that led many to Candyland, according to my stats. Well, that and, "the different parts of Candyland," but I figured talking about my "parts" would be a little weird. Well I guess if you know me, maybe it wouldn't be that weird.

Yesterday I did some internal cleansing. My horoscope implied things in my life, heart and mind will start to die off and be re-born in both the literal and metaphorical senses. So, I rummaged through the closets and dug out old boxes labeled "baby stuff" and spent an hour sorting through every memory of what was October 2006. You may know the incident as (what I refer to) the offspring.

It was bittersweet folding the tiny clothes, inhaling the lingering scents of Dreft, and watching my (almost) four-year-old running her fingers along the sidewalk as I watched through the window. It was more bitter than sweet, really. To know time is moving moving moving and we can't press pause, not even for second, kind of hurts sometimes.

There was an article in the paper about our city's growing homeless rate and the children suffering through it. They don't have toys, because they get stolen and fold-up cribs are crammed against the walls. I know there's times we're a paycheck away from the streets, but were blessed with family and friends who wouldn't let that happen. Some people aren't.

Immediately after reading, I boxed up my baby girl's things for donation. Even though there's always hope for another child, letting go of those things was somehow my way of letting go of September 29th, 2009. To prepare for better things to come. And then I listened to New Medicine, and all was right in the world.

How about you, friends, what do you need to let go of today?

Feel me up Friday Awards: Hysterical pregnancy or Oreo lovin' fattie?

Yesterday was a doozer. My morning started with a gnat in my coffee that I'd only found as I slurped my way through. It was a total Honey, I Shrunk the Kids moment, except, the stupid gnat didn't have a scripted happy ending. The hubs went in early, too, which explained why Grumpy Grumpo (my alter ego) came out to play instead of the sweet Candyland you're all use to.

It wasn't a bad day, just a typical "so-tired-I-almost-drank-a-bug-and-then-drove-to-get-fresh-coffee-even-though-I-wasn't-awake-enough-to-drive" kind of day. #complaincomplain #whinewhine Aside from that, Jen's blogfest was pretty freakin' sweet, though I'll admit, my brain couldn't process everyone's fantastic pieces fast enough. I only got around to a few before my thought cells died.

To those of you who read my MCs snippety snip and took a stab at what she might look like-muchos graciassss. If you missed it, click HERE (or if you need a refresher) and make your guess before you scroll. I mean it. I've got my eye (screen) on you mister.

A lot of you were spot on. To me, I see her in a few different lights. Not just one clear-cut girl. I see many, many girls, because she's so relatable. You know, the girl you know has your back. She'd keep all of your secrets and as Vicki pointed out, if you lost her trust, SEEEEE YA. So below are the girls, I think, could fill the role of this sensitive, insecure, take-no-shizz rocker.

Yeah, I went there.

Paramore's Hayley Williams kicks serious  ass.

Yeah Gossip Girl can get a little funky.

An oldie but damn goodie and she loves rock n roll. She fits the bill.

These are all good, and ALL right. But most of you thought she'd be dark, edgy, dark make-up, emo-ish hair, etc.The picture below is *not* of someone famous, but a regular girl. I don't know her, but her picture pulled me in and I literally heard this girl talk about how Ethan used her. But if he thinks she's gonna roll over and take it, he's got another thing coming in the form of public humiliation. She is the MC in every single way.

So there you have it. Blogfest out. Oh wait. You wanted to score, yeah? Hrm...I could be into that. Give me second to freshen...
Okay.

Random Fact: I once applied for broadcasting college, but nature had other plans. Nine months later, out popped the offspring. Well, not like I sat on a toilet and WHOOPS, but, you know...

Random Fact: Yesterday my diet consisted of a bagel, coffee with a bug in it, coffee without a bug in it and a whole lotta sugar, four pieces of pizza (yes FOUR...), two bread sticks, a cafe mocha, chicken and potatoes, and an Oreo blizzard. Um, MASSIVE #candylandfail. It's either stress or hysterical pregnancy. If I claim stress, the peeps in my life will go "ooohhh that explains it" with disconcerting faces. If I say hysterical pregnancy, well, they'll go "ooohhh she's so creative (= crazy). She must be a writer."

I'm going with the third option: New Medicine made me do it.

Thanks for that. I really needed a little one-on-one with you! Just because New Medicine is in my life, it doesn't mean I don't need you around to fondle my thoughts.

Until Monday, what did you eat yesterday you're ashamed of?
Candyland. OUT.

I'm not that kind of girl. Well okay, today I am.

I don't really "do" blogfests, but honestly, I'm in love with Jen (Unedited), so I thought I'd give it a go. Before I share my crap, I'd like to first direct you to another cause I'm passionate about and something worth getting behind (no innuendo intended). As you all know, I'm a fan of all things Joy, but also TWLOHA.

And, in the spirit of everything they represent, I've committed to a charity walk called Out of the Darkness that will take place Saturday, October 10th and I need sponsored donations. I've made my goal small ($100), so I hope to meet it by then. If you want to donate on my behalf for this walk, read more about it HERE.

Now, onto the shizz. I'm no good at these so bear with... using the MC's narrative below, what do YOU think she looks like?

School blows. Boys blow. Life blows. Well, not my whole life. The music's alright, I guess. I mean, it sort of saved me in a way. The same way I thought Ethan did. But he didn't save me for anything but leftovers. Not the good kind, either. The molded, mildewed take-out box hidden way in the back. Next to the rotted pickles and fermented jug of two percent. 

I'm not like most girls. I sometimes pee standing up, only wash my hair when it rains and pretty much never speak my mind unless I'm about to blow. And man, am I about to blow. The shine from my guitar blinds me from all things Ethan, so I pick her up and strum a few chords. My guitars are always chicks because, like I said, boys blow. She lets me hold her and cry on her and sing to her and she never turns me down or talks about me in the bathroom stall or tells me what a loser I am.

Without her, I'm all the things he told me I was. Without her, I'm nothing. Without her, I'm only me. The screwed up girl who sucks at school, who sucks with boys, who sucks at life. My whole life.

 So there you have mu suckage. This is written from nothing, but based on my favorite MC. Check out better entries HERE. What does she look like to YOU?


Candyland. OUT.


P.S. Go check out Jess's CONTEST while you're at it.

No rings in my underwear, just hot dogs in the cabinet

You'd think I have enough on my plate, buuuuttt no. I keep volunteering for the most random things, because I crave chaotic get-it-done-ness. But yesterday, a little something extra (like a little pool of fudge in the corner of your sundae cup) showed up in my inbox and there was no effing way I could turn it down.

Of course there's no way to really see what it says, unless you click on it to read. Go ahead, I'll wait...

Are you done? So, um, can I get a HELLZ YEAH?! Taylor and I have been emailing back and forth over the past couple of weeks regarding promoting the band and in response to a 3-separate email list of ideas (crazy long emails) I'd sent, she proposed this to me. And of course, I could never say no to anything @NewMedicine needs. So from now on, you can refer to me as PFRFCNMFLCL. (photofinishrecordsfancorpsnewmedicineforumleadercandyland)
That should be easy remember.

Also, if you should want to join the forum, use THIS LINK, sign up, come find me and be awesome.

Moving on to the random, the night before last, I pulled a scorching hot brownie pan from the oven with my bare hands. Then the offspring pretended she burnt her hand too and we both wore Bandaids the rest of the night. Also, after reading Tawna's lost ring story (be prepared to pee a little way too much), I started thinking about the time I found Tupperware in the cabinet with old hot dogs. Apparently, the hubs meant to put it in the fridge, but it never made it.

And of course, I've misplaced things (though never in my underwear, Tawna...) that have ended up in weirdo places. Mainly my mind, which I often find sitting comfortably in the corner of the room with a "do not disturb" sign hanging from its neck. Go figure.

So how about you? Wheres the weirdest place you've found something you'd lost? 
-PFRFCNMFLCL. OUT.

So this is what the feeeeva feels like

I was thinking of starting this post with a clever antidote, but alas, after showing the top to my bottom yesterday, I'm feeling a bit vulnerable. It's no problem for me to tell you everything in my heart, on my mind, or about my past. I have no qualms spilling secret things about myself, or divulging the not-so-secret crushes re: all things Brady and Bert. And I LOVELOVELOVE telling you about the (someday) embarrassing phrases the offspring says to me (i.e. "say hello to my bumpy crack").

But showing my face after I've done all that, well, isn't so easy. I like the anonymity of just my torso staring you down. Because it means there's not much to hide, with the windows to my soul looking back at you. If you read this blog (and thank you, btw), you know one thing I pride myself on, is honesty. Even when it hurts. I don't sugar coat the pain, and I don't say things I don't mean. If I tell you I love you (and I do), then I REALLAAAA REALLAAAA do.

I wouldn't be where I am, without each and every one of you. I write because you read. Also, after talking to Brady about J2W, starting October 12th, I'm going to hold an "I Heart Joy Like BR80 Contest 2." I want it to be BIGGER and BETTER than before, so if you are (or have the connections) an agent, editor or author and would like to be a part of changing the world, please email me at candace ganger at yahoo dot com for more details.

I'm not satisfied with the numbers the last contest brought in. I want to do moremoremore. There's people out there with a helluva lot less than me, and I want to make a difference. Please be the change, with me. It will run almost like contest one, but I'm still working out the glitches. And one day, I hope to get my butt to Ghana, so I can see for myself what your donations have done for the amazing recipients of J2W. Yes, I have  #bradyfever, but more so, I have #changetheworldfever. We can do it, together.

Until tomorrow, what's one thing that makes you feel completely vulnerable?
Candyland. OUT.

In which New Medicine finds Candyland's face and live to tell about it

I use to be a lot of things: fun, free-spirited, outgoing, independent, and fearless. And among other more superficial things, I was crazy thin without that annoying upper arm (and everything) jiggle only childbirth could instigate. I was once a guitar-wielding (self-proclaimed) bad ass, ready to officially start my life since I'd only been skimming by all the years before.

But, once I fell in love and started baking that little bun in my oven, everything changed. I wasn't *me* anymore. I was us, we, our, him and her. Then I caught a major bout of post-partum depression and it was a long, LONG road I thought I'd never recover from. I actually thought I was going to die. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, marriage and motherhood and wouldn't trade any of it. But, there was a part of *me* I thought I'd lost forever, and it hurt, burned and stung like nothing I'd ever felt before. So, though I started to rely on us, we, our, him and her, a hole inside kept growing and I became only wife and mommy....and I had no idea where the *me* went, or how to get it back.

Fast forward through some of life's typical highs and lows.

Something the hubs said regarding Saturday's New Medicine show suddenly struck me. A bulb shattered overhead. A siren went off. A buzzer sounded. Loud. And. Clear. It's not just about the band. Or the music. Or the lyrics. Or the Matt Brady eye candy. It's the way all of it, together, makes me feel....like *me* again.

New Medicine filled the empty, lonely, misunderstood space. The part that only music could translate. I don't like it, crave it, desire it. I NEED it. It's the same way I feel about writing. They connect with the missing piece in me, and I only hope my words might do that for you.

And because of the life they pumped back into those dull veins, the only time Candyland will ever show her face on this blog, is today. Because I want you to see the face of someone, once lost, reborn again. If you're ever in doubt, about what you're saying, conveying, or portraying, remember: the power of words, compassion, gratitude and human connection really do mean something. I've got proof.

Thank you, followers of old for reading my words and connecting through comment and email. Thank you, followers of new for finding me and deciding I'm worth your time. Thank you, New Medicine for finding *me.* Thank you hubs for allowing me to always be me, (whoever she is) up or down through all the years of us, we, our, him and her.

And thank you, Brady, for the beer, the hugs, and the continual inspiration re: J2W. You make me want to be a better person, just by knowing you. I look forward to drawing more awareness to J2W, together, this fall. To everyone who's lost the spark, the smiles, the memories, the joy and everything in between, remember: 

"The strong resolve to fight"

My friends, what, in your life, salvaged the parts of you once forgotten?
Candyland. OUT.

Feel me up Friday Awards: The day the dishes cried

Okay so I've got a confession: Every time I see a post, comment, update, or love letter re: Write On Con, a little bit of jealously fills my blood pool and dances around. As much fun as it looks like everyone had (MEGAFUN), Candyland has been #busybusybusy this week. So busy, the computer and I sort of decided to see other people, mututally, of course, but I think I was more into it than the "puter" (as the offspring calls it)...

Now that I've missed everything important on the web (sucksucksuck), I'm back with not as near exciting news as some of you have (like @MatthewMRush for winning @JoSVolpe's query contest!!!), but I'll try. Ehh, who am I kidding...my news blows peanuts compared to the awesome I missed, but I'll try.

Candyland is prepping for a move, getting the offspring registered for preschool, planning a massive 4th birthday party, and counting down the minutes until tomorrow's New Medicine show. The move was unplanned and is happening, like, now. The preschool thing has been a headache and a half, the bday party is fun to plan but takes up a lot of useful brain space (do I have useful brain space left?), and ummmmmm New Medicine is my drug of choice and tomorrow I get to see MattBradyMattBradyMattBrady!!!!! #yum #betterthansigfever

Random Fact: When putting dishes away, I found myself moving the lonely ones in the back, to the front of the row, and placing the clean to the back. I never realized I did it until I knocked a glass down in my attempt to give all ceramics a fair chance at being used. I'd hate for them to sit in the cupboard and cry. And, though I will only drink coffee out of 2 old, crummy, white cups, we have about 12 really nice coffee cups. I'm sure those 12 that never get used talk all kinds of shizz about me. #ocdblowsbutiskindofentertaining

Random Fact: Speaking of Matthew Rush, you may or may not have seen us call each other weird names, and I hate when people have inside jokes that they don't share, soooooo, because of a story he told me in the comments HERE, I now call him Tim, and he calls me Beth, or CBBC (Candy Beth Bethany Candyland)...

It's good to know I'm not the only weirdo around these parts.

That was FANFREAKINTASTIC! You were great (like always). Let's do dinner tonight so I don't feel so cheap. You pay. I'll wear my best head, you wear your best comment.

So friends, PLEASE fill me in here. What was the best part about WOC? Better yet, do you have a completely random name people call you?

Candyland. OUT.

Goodbyes are awkward when I hug too long. Consider this a long hug.

With everything Write On Con happening this week, Candyland is doing the unthinkable, the unheard of, the sinful. Yes, I'm going to give it a rest until Friday's Feel-up, once the dust has settled all over the web. You know, when your minds have turned to mush from all the awesome and you want something a little less thinky to soothe ya. Well, you know I'll be here for you.

Until Friday, re-live some of my moments, for better or worse...

When you want to give up, read THIS
If you want a brain teaser, read THIS
If you want to make bloggy friends, read THIS
If you want to get to know Elana or LiLa, read THIS and THIS

If you want brutal honesty (and a Feel-Up!) at it's best, read THIS
If you want to read about my love of all things Bert, read THIS and THIS 
If you want to know how much I *heart* you all, read THIS and THIS
If you want to cry, read THIS  and THIS

If you want to laugh (or be slightly disturbed) read THIS
If you want to know more about Candyland's neverending journey, read THIS and THIS
If you want to change the world (and fall in love) read THIS and THIS and THIS

And finally, if you want to be inspired by an incredible, ten-year-old sweetheart, read THIS

I hope this keeps you busy until Friday, friends. Until then, is there anything you WISH I would blog about? 

Candyland. OUT.

I eat hashtags like you for breakfast

My coffee must've spawned little caffeine-enhanced GRRRR BUBBLZ, because the Latina in me is out in full force *waves finger around with identical neck sway* But not in a shoulder-bump/weave pull/fight by pinch-- kind of way. More like"girl, you so crazy, so Imma borrow your linguistic skillz for a hot minute." You've seen it around. I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about as soon as I say it. It needs no introduction. But I hope my phrase brings the world a little more joy.

#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee Fartypants sales decrease by one customer. Actually, maybe they increase by one customer. Maybe the tee is irrelevant to gas. Who knows.

#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee Candyland refrains from dropping anything in a toilet for another day. Okay, so maybe a day is pushing it. We'll say an hour or two.

#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee a fellow Tiny Dancer finds the confidence to love the muffin top spilling over the spandex biker shorts with matching sequined headband and basks in the irony of the song.

#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee the offspring calls her "bumpy crack" it's appropriate name.

#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee @NewMedicine write a(nother) song about me. Okay not really, but I can pretend when they say "you better pray she took her morning medication, or you might have to pick her up at the police station," it's about me.

#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee Taylor Lautner gets another ab. Not another ripple, but like a whole other ab.

#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee your taste in clothing dramatically improves. Like Jen. She's cute without the tee, even cuter with. Be like Jen. Be cute in a Joy tee.

#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee a head magically appears on Candyland's torso. Press "Buy Now" and I'll instantly be staring you in the credit card. Though I didn't say whose head...

#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee BR80 gets more delicious. Okay, not really. Because he's already at the deliciousness limit for all human kind. And I'm totally talking about the most delicious organ on the man--his compassionate heart.

#everytimeyouorderjoy2theworldtee the a-hole dog next door shuts his yapper. Well, he does when I see I have an order in, and I yell out the back door for him to shut the.............nevermind.

#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee someone annoying on Young & the Restless gets offed.


#everytimeyouorderajoy2theworldtee one less kitten is put through something like this:

Okay so ordering a Joy 2 the World tee does some really awesome things and may be responsible for an increase in Fartypants traffic. Bonus. More importantly, buying a Joy tee (with a portion of each one sold going directly to Joy 2 the World) actually gives others joy. Be the change, and look cute doing it. See the "Buy Now" button to the right? Yeah.....
*end of web-o-mmercial*

Team Joy BR80 Candyland. Out.<--I'm so confused:/

Talking is overrated, like Justin Bieber.

I wish I knew how to start this with a bang, but every time I've tried, the words have come out really, REALLY stupid. Actually, it's been awhile since I've been at a loss, via the trusty keyboard. Sure, in life, I'm sort of quiet and keep to myself (aside from the times I'm not-hello, oxymoron), but online, me likes to chatsies. I sat down to write a follow-up post about Fartypants, because a) why wouldn't I? Fartypants are an enigma b) the responses were so silly, I wanted to really dissect the pros and cons of purchasing such a thing and c) I like to type "Fartypants."

Then, I thought I'd comment a bit more on some of the more terrifying crushes you all divulged (wayyyy worse than #sigfever), but I'll refrain. It hurts *not* to say ANYTHING but...I won't. Partly because I'm still processing how widely my (questionable) tastes vary. From the delicious Brady to the dirty Bert to the more distinguished Sig and even the young (WAY too young...)Pool Boy, Taylor.

So, as I brainstormed for today's highly insightful, incredibly intelligent post, I came across something that stopped me, cold. Every idea flew away when I saw this adorable post by my bud, Lenny, where he created the "Earth Angel" award, and gave it to me. If you read his interview last Monday, you know he's not only crazy awesome, but one of the sweetest, kindest little dudes EVER, and his family's pretty cool too.

So, though I want to tell you something that will make you laugh, or cry or feel something deep, my tongue is tied, and humbled. Thank you, Lenny for treating me as though I'm the inspiring one, when it's YOU that inspires ME...

Until I gather my composure and find something mind-bending to discuss tomorrow, who's your earth angel?
Candyland OUT.

Feel me up Friday Awards: Farty gets the party starty

I'd love to start your Friday with something superawesome or fantastmically intelligent. You know, the kind of shizz that blows your mind. But if you know me, that's not what I do around here. In fact, what I'm about to say is everything opposite of superawesome and fantasmically intelligent. I was perusing the web of knowledge, hoping to become, yaaaknow-inspired, when I came across an article of "gross facts you may have never wanted to know." They weren't that bad, but one had me LOLing for about twenty minutes.

"They actually make special underwear for people who pass gas a lot. They are called Fartypants." 

So, yeah. I know what you're thinking. "Candyland, you're retarded. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head and it canNOT be true. To which I reply,"just wait for it, friends...wait....wait..."

 Fartypants are real (unfortunately). So if you, or someone you love has a problem with flatulence (I'm not directly speaking to you, hubs, but...yaaknow), Fartypants would make the perfect Christmas, birthday, or "hey, your butt stinks" gift. *giggles like the immature child I really am*

Random Fact: I brush my teeth approximately six times a day. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm mildly obsessive (pffft-crazy, I know) and they're NEVER white enough. I want my mouth to blind people with it's brilliance. An unattainable goal, but I'll keep at it until they at least sparkle continuously when I'm in the sun.

Random Fact: You know about my mad crushes on Bert and Brady, but you don't know about my somewhat embarrassing "thing" for (Deadliest Catch) Captain Sig Hansen. I can't figure out what it is. Maybe the dimples or the way he talks (the old smoker's rasp) or because he does like, I don't know, MANLY-MAN work. There isn't anything there I'd normally be, uhh into. Whatever it is, I don't effing know what it means for Bert...or Brady. But I don't think they need to be worried (except for my ever-evolving taste in men...geez).

I just wasn't into the feel up today. Maybe we needed a little more foreplay this week since mourning the loss of my contest. I know, you tried your damnedest and you worked really hard at making me feel better, but my mind kept wandering. Maybe this time next week, it'll be back to normal and these naughty interactions will make me feel like they should: satisfied and guilty for enjoying it.

If you get a sec, there's a supercool lady having a supercool contest to support a supercool cause, and you know I love me some good cause contests (oh I Heart Joy Like BR80, how I miss thee...). So, go check her out HERE. Also, my a-hole cat, Fim, has a Twitter account because that egotistical. Follow him at @Fimthecat. Or don't, whatev.

Until Monday, peeps, would you buy Fartypants? Better yet, ever have an unexplainable crush?
Candyland. OUT.

If RANDOM were a trend, it'd be the fanny pack

I think my cat Fim should get his own Twitter account. He's been doing some a-hole things lately, like for attention, and maybe it would do him some good to get his name out there. You know, test the waters for his fifteen minutes. He'll say things like "I'm gonna stare at you for about four hours, lick myself in your general vicinity and then nap for like another twenty. Wake me when the food bowl's full. Or better yet, I'll wake you by staring."
#hesucks

I wish I could spend all day singing New Medicine songs. They rock so hard and yet, it's not completely appropriate to walk around saying "we're bad mother f*#$ers loo-loo-lookin' for you..." I whisper it under my breath, when the child bites me. It transports me to a place where there's no biting (unless it's warranted), and Mommy isn't Mommy, but the girl she once was at all those rock shows.
#newmedicinebroughtmebacktolife

Washing my hair is about as painful as chewing glass. Not that I ever have. Chewed glass that is. Of course I've washed my hair. I still think it's a terrible curse to have to cleanse it. I wish I were kidding but...I effing hate it. It takes forever to dry and even longer to keep clean. Hence no pictures of my head.
#bigpoof #illtradeyou

I sweep the kitchen floor eighty times a day. Yeah, I count (not). I sweep *not* because I think "oh yay, more filth!" But because it accumulates and accentuates every little hair, dirt ball, fuzz and shoe print. My Swiffer thinks we're dating.
#maybeweare #sowhat

Right now my hand is cramping like a mofo but I have this compulsion to keep typing because there's not enough info in this post. I have issues. Serious issues.
#butiownthem #theymakeme

Okay, okay, so this post blows. Forgive me. I'm still recovering from Empty Contest Blues. Tomorrow, come back to feel me up like old times. I'll wear my PURPLE body spray. We'll call it a date. But don't tell my Swiffer...
Until then, tell me something completely random. I dare you.


Candyland. OUT.
P.S. Because I'm still waiting on 3 people to claim prizes, I'll email. If I don't hear back this afternoon, tomorrow 3 new winners will be posted.

Empty Contest Syndrome taketh over

My child bit me yesterday. TWICE.

It's been one of those weeks. You know, the kind where everything outside of webland kinda sorta BLOWS. Well, except for all the Brady love on my FBook page Monday. Though, it was quickly outdone by the offspring's many tantrums. I forgot how good it felt to see those little red notifications once she bit a little skin off my arm. *sigh*

I attempted to have a glorious morning at the mall (really I just wanted to get my hands on some VS body spray), and, though I bought the little tyke her own small bottle of YELLOW, being the spoiled princess she's suddenly become, she only wanted Mommy's PURPLE. When I refused, she acted like one of those howler monkeys, except with her teeth on my arm, snot running down her nose and horror movie screams. I'm so lucky.

I've got the post-contest blues, for sure. Spending so much time and energy focusing on something so positive forced me to re-evaluate my life, the person I am and the person I'm meant to become. Beyond the silly crush, Brady ignited a fire to do more. Now that the contest is over, there's a bit of empty contest syndrome. My efforts for Joy 2 the World will not cease, and I urge you to keep donating and ordering those shirts (sidebar, to the right. yep). My new goal is as much as it takes for change to come.

WINNERS: If I haven't yet heard from you, you have until tomorrow morning to email me before I pick another.I've gotten everyone's emails from yesterday, and will be contacting you all ASAP, or more like ASAICB (as soon as I can breathe). Also, I just mailed a batch of shirts yesterday and will order more in the next week or so. If you want yours sooner than later, order NOW. Oh, and PLEASE send me a pic of you wearing it once you get it:)

Until then, tell me, friends, can you fast forward time so I can see New Medicine (and Brady!) August 14th? Not likely? Oh..How about, can you tell me how to get my child to STOP BITING ME?!  :(

Team BR80Land (<--cute) OUT.

Um, so, WINNERS, come get your crap!

I won't waste any time today, because there's a lot to get to. BUT, don't you dare scroll down to peek at the winners before I say, what I need to say. I mean it. I'm watching you. Thank you to everyone who entered the I Heart Joy Like BR80 fundraiser/contest. Sincerely. If you haven't yet donated to Joy 2 the World, take a minute to watch this video, look into your heart and your wallet, and donate today:

Some contest stats:
Total money raised from July 13th-July31st: $375
Total number of shirts sold: 22
Total number of iTunes downloads: 8
Total number of graphics created: 8
Total number of people who posted/blogged/spread the word: (that I know of): 47
Total number of entries: Over 2,000
Most entries: Lenny Lee and family with 519 entries
Smallest: Everyone who didn't enter :(

With that said, WINNERS, email me (candace ganger at yahoo dot com) with your TOP THREE prize choices. To refresh your memory of the prizes, click HERE. Though I used a random generator for the winners (i.e. person one had 210 entries, so they had numbers 1-210, etc), Prize choice is on a first come, first serve basis. There were so many winners, and prizes, I didn't want anyone to give non-writers a writer's prize and vice versa. SO, you get to choose. But you have to email me quick before your top choice is gone. Yep. I'm still sneaky.

And...
The winners...
Are...
-Matthew Rush
-Janet Johnson
-Lenny Lee (two prizes!)
-Leigh Moore
-Lydia Kang
-Robyn Campbell (two prizes!)
-Susan K Quinn (two prizes!)
-Patty Blount
-Jamie Teekell
-Katherine Camp (two prizes!)
-Cara Best
-Cassie Bongiovanni
-Anne Kenny
-Tawna Fenske
-Allison Miller
-Erika Carruba
-Amanda J
-Ricki Schultz
-Vicki Rocho
-Katrina Lantz
-Shannon O'Donnell
-Jen Daiker
-Kelly Breakey
-Lindsay Scott
-Sheri Larsen
-Linda G
-Larissa Hardesty

Winner of Candyland Says Thank You prize pack: 
-Bru (I know you said no prizes, but after drawing your number multiple times for the other prizes, you at least deserve this one!)

There you go. Thank you EVERYONE. This was absolutely a life-changing contest (for me anyway). Shirts will continue to be sold on my sidebar, and please don't stop donating just because the contest is over. Giving is the prize. Oh and this didn't hurt either:

Um, yeah. Just ridiculously HOT icing on the ever-sweetening charity cake. If you're reading, Brady, thank you for being crazy nice with one of the hugest hearts I've ever met (and delicious to my eyes). I'll continue to raise awareness and dolla billzzz for Joy, with every resource I have.

And now, a final  look at all the graphics contributed!

Until tomorrow friends, tell me, do you feel any different after participating in a fundraising type of contest, or no? Would you prefer a traditional contest next time, or should we do this again, perhaps for another charity? Can I say "perhaps" again? Does it make me sound distinguished? Perhaps...

Okay. And. Ready. Set. Email me WINNERS.

Team BR80/Candyland/J2TW. OUT.

The Strong Resolve to Fight. I've got proof.

Some of you may know my bud, Lenny, from his love of racoons or the sincere comments he leaves on everyone's blogs. But since the start of my contest a couple weeks back, this little dude, and his wonderful family (I'm talking to you, big brother Alex!) have made quite the impression on me, and my family's heart.

As some of you may know, there's always more to the blogger than what meets the eye. Of course, Lenny's World suits him perfectly, but there's some things you wouldn't know by reading, about this insanely infectious ten-year-old (eleven in October). Lenny was diagnosed with ALL, which stands for acute lymphoblastic leukemia.

He's been through the gamut from losing his parents to chemo and radiation, and he now blogs/writes/socializes/melts hearts per doctor's orders, with the support of his devoted family (and a BIG family it is!). From the many graphics to contest donations, (the Lee family gathered and contributed $100 to Joy 2 the World), they're a bunch to be admired, and so full of love. I could not be more lucky to know them and today, a closer look inside Lenny's World.

What is your favorite thing to read?
For books i like adventure stories, animal stories and sci fi. for magazines i like nature and animal stuff. i got a subscription to ranger rick for a present and i love it. i like comic books too.

What do you do for fun? 
Wow, im doing lots! i love doing stuff outdoors that i couldnt do for a long time. i swim a lot and thats my favorite thing. im part fish for sure. ha ha. for the first time im playing baseball and i love it but i gotta say im not so good at it and in one game i struck out 4 times in a row! ugh! i felt lots better after i got a big pecan pie blizzard at dairy queen. J i do wii games at my cousins house and i love going to the movies.

I know you love raccoons (me too!), but what other animals are your favorites?
Yep, raccoons are my favorites for sure and one time we had a pet one named rowdy. she was soooo smart. mostly i like all animals. on our deck we feed lots of animals at the critter café that my brother andrew built. i like squirrels and possums are cool looking. most people dont like possums much but i think theyre neat. theres one that comes up on the deck and eats cookies right out of your hand. we call her blossom, so shes blossom the possum. ha ha. theres a couple of flying squirrels and a big owl that eat at the café. and theres lots of raccoons and one mom with 3 little kits. in the day theres lots of squirrels birds and chipmunks. for indoors dogs rule! i love cats too and theyd rule right up there with dogs if they didnt make me sneeze and itch.

How did you get started writing?
One of my doctors got me started. she said maybe it could help me to not think about being sick. i tried it and i found out it was something i really love doing. my first big story was from an idea that came from one of my doctors and me talking about sharks. its called shark fins and its about me and a bunch of my fish and sea creature friends trying to save a shark named shak from getting unfinned and tossed back in the sea to drown just to make soup.

Are you working on anything right now? 
I'm doing a lot of changes on my first for real book that i finished. its called bloopers magic wings and its about a little dragonfly named blooper that wants magic wings cause hes a lousy flyer. my wip (i just learned what that means from writers blogs J) is called the forever forest. its called that because if you get lost in it you get lost forever. yikes! thats pretty scary isnt it. its a neat adventure story.

Who do you look up to?
I got a lot of people i look up to but mostly its my brother alex cause after dad was dead for so long and then mom died even though it was real hard for him he kept everyone of us together and kept us living like a family just like when mom was here. when i got sick again he was always right there. all of my brothers and my sister are there for me and i gotta admit im pretty spoiled. ha ha. im soooo lucky.

What do you do to feel better when you feel down?
I got a cool idea one day and made a book called lennys feel good book and its got lots of pictures of people i love and people i like and animals and anything that makes me feel good. its in a binder so i can take stuff out and put stuff in if i want to. i cut out pictures from magazines and get pictures and cartoons printed off the computer. i drew pictures and colored pictures and wrote stuff and put it in the book. you can put whatever makes you feel good and happy in the book. when i feel down i just sit and look at all the stuff in my feel good book and it makes me feel lots better. sometimes i listen to music and theres a cd i got called reggae for kids and all the songs are happy songs. i like to sing along with it sometimes. reeses peanut butter cups make me feel pretty good too. ha ha.

Do you have a favorite song or tv show?
I like music a lot. sometimes i make up silly songs. my favorite song is three little birds. its a neat song and i like the beat and the words “dont worry bout a thing cause every little thing gonna be alright.” my brother s j sang it to me a lot the last time i was sick. on tv i watch sports and i like animal planet and the sci fi channel. theres one i been watching called cash cab and its a trivia game in a taxi cab and its fun and you can learn a lot from it. i like trivia stuff.

What advice can you give to someone who wants to start a blog?
My doctor got me blogging so i could meet up with writers and share stuff and learn from other bloggers. so for someone who wants to start a blog they should know who they want to get to know cause theres a zillion blogs out there and you could get lost for sure. they should make their blog look like just who they are put stuff on it that they really like. they dont have to be with just one special group if they just want to blog with lots of different people cause theres lots of cool blogs out there and you can get lots of new friends. i got a bunch of them and theyre all really nice. blogging is sooooo much fun!

Thank you, Lenny, for letting us get to know the supercool person behind the comments. We all  love you and send SUPERSIZED HUGS for you and your family! 

Tomorrow, WINNERS from the I Heart Joy Like BR80 Contest revealed, and I will continue to sell shirts as long as possible. If you haven't gotten yours yet, GET AFTER IT!

Graphic of the day, by my girl, Sheri Larsen:

Until then, friends, go visit Lenny's blog and give it some love. 

Candyland. OUT.