Thursday, August 5, 2010

If RANDOM were a trend, it'd be the fanny pack

I think my cat Fim should get his own Twitter account. He's been doing some a-hole things lately, like for attention, and maybe it would do him some good to get his name out there. You know, test the waters for his fifteen minutes. He'll say things like "I'm gonna stare at you for about four hours, lick myself in your general vicinity and then nap for like another twenty. Wake me when the food bowl's full. Or better yet, I'll wake you by staring."

I wish I could spend all day singing New Medicine songs. They rock so hard and yet, it's not completely appropriate to walk around saying "we're bad mother f*#$ers loo-loo-lookin' for you..." I whisper it under my breath, when the child bites me. It transports me to a place where there's no biting (unless it's warranted), and Mommy isn't Mommy, but the girl she once was at all those rock shows.

Washing my hair is about as painful as chewing glass. Not that I ever have. Chewed glass that is. Of course I've washed my hair. I still think it's a terrible curse to have to cleanse it. I wish I were kidding but...I effing hate it. It takes forever to dry and even longer to keep clean. Hence no pictures of my head.
#bigpoof #illtradeyou

I sweep the kitchen floor eighty times a day. Yeah, I count (not). I sweep *not* because I think "oh yay, more filth!" But because it accumulates and accentuates every little hair, dirt ball, fuzz and shoe print. My Swiffer thinks we're dating.
#maybeweare #sowhat

Right now my hand is cramping like a mofo but I have this compulsion to keep typing because there's not enough info in this post. I have issues. Serious issues.
#butiownthem #theymakeme

Okay, okay, so this post blows. Forgive me. I'm still recovering from Empty Contest Blues. Tomorrow, come back to feel me up like old times. I'll wear my PURPLE body spray. We'll call it a date. But don't tell my Swiffer...
Until then, tell me something completely random. I dare you.

Candyland. OUT.
P.S. Because I'm still waiting on 3 people to claim prizes, I'll email. If I don't hear back this afternoon, tomorrow 3 new winners will be posted.


Unknown said...

Is it love spell? That's what the hubs loves (and buys me every time)We could be crazy hair and smelly body twins! In a good way of course!

Kelly Breakey said...

Something Random:

I hate getting those emails that have been forwarded so many times there are like a gazillion lines on the left hand side of the screen and when I get to the bottom, because I am OCD that way, I find it was totally not worth my time. Than I spend the rest of the day "a-holing" the d-bag that sent the post in the first place.

Do I need help?

Linda G. said...

You need to make friends with your dust bunnies. Name them, like I have mine. That way you won't be so inclined to sweep them away. ;)

Kelly Polark said...

Turning up loud music makes me feel better most times. I have PG playlists that I can play with my kids in the room and R ones that I can sing along the Fbombs loudly in my car alone. :)
I had some disappointing news the other day so turned up
"Kick in the Teeth" by Papa Roach and played it about 15 times. It's their newest single.

Creepy Query Girl said...

Ugh. I hear you with the sweeping. Our whole appartment is tile and my children can't seem to get food into their mouths without leaving half of it on the floor. I hate dishes and sweeping- pretty much cause I have to do them after everymeal #housecleaninghell

Unknown said...

Your posts never disappoint, always feeling the love and relating to almost every word you say

Minus the tyke biting, because I don't have a child and if I said I could relate you think I'd have one... that bites me... and since I don't that would be weird.

Umm lets see what can I say that's random???

Oh wait, anything I want since my whole life is random. While listening to Uprising by Muse (which I love) I'm contemplating a job change, going from mad ninja typer to a possible zombie cleaning lady.

What do you think? Am I cut out enough??

Renae said...

Anything random...well since you spoke of cleaning, I have to clean my entire house today for a visit from my folks. Yay! My mom can spot dirt a mile away!

I'm with you on the hair washing, the washing I can handle, it's the blowdrying and everything else. And don't even get me started on my daughter's hair!

Lindsey Richardson said...

Lol, I loved what you said about your cat.
Something random:
I think someone mentioned something similar to this, but I hate when people forward text messages to me. I find that to be so annoying because always at the end they say, "You need to send this to 10,000 people you know or you will die tomorrow" and you know I don't believe any of that crap because I already deleted all of the other messages that swore if I didn't send them something bad would happen.
Why, oh why, do people send FWDs?

Anyway, yes, that was my random moment. Now I have to get back to writing.
Happy writing,

Jaydee Morgan said...

I've managed to ignore the dust bunnies that accumulate in my kitchen - I go after them once there big enough to lasso.

I love your random posts. They always make me smile :)

February Grace said...

OMG Not two days ago my husband and I were talking about starting a Twitter account for our cat- he called it "The ultimate answer to people who think that everything they do, including eating a bowl of cereal, merits telling the entire world."


Can you imagine our cats tweeting each other?


Matthew MacNish said...

Random: My daughter's boyfriend's name is David. My little nephew calls him Stuart.


Shannon O'Donnell said...

Totally random, huh?

Did you know that sharks can't swim backwards - can ONLY swim forward?

(I got that from my 8yo) :-)

Alexa O said...

I've decided that Marcel Duchamp should have credited the designer of the urinal. #ilovemodernartdespiteitsflaws

Also, red food coloring tastes better than blue food coloring. #whyelmoisacake

Steph Schmidt said...

The Strait of Gibraltar links the two largest bodies of water in the world (the Atlantic Ocean to the Mediterranean Sea).

Lenny Lee said...

hi miss candace! that random stuff is fun. i like what miss linda said about naming the dust bunnies. ha ha. washing my hair is soooo easy. you jealous? ha ha. i had to ask whats a swiffer. now i could see you dancing with one in the kitchen to that new med music. :)
...hugs from lenny

Talli Roland said...

That didn't blow; that was hilarious! I'm all about random. I love random. Probably why I love Twitter so much!

Dawn Ius said...

Swiffer is cheating on me? Figures. Two dogs, one bunny, and a teenager who eats things that crumble means I'm usually gripping the handle of my swiffer instead of something more exciting.

Random...I got nothing. Nothing good at least.

Tahereh said...


i also love YOU

Lindsay said...

Hmm random...there's always time for random.


Patti said...

I love being Random. It helps clear my head.

Anonymous said...

Your post most certainly did not blow. On the contrary, a good blog needs a little randomness every now and again.

Also, I think I've eaten half a box of Lucky Charms in the past day. Possibly three quarters of a box. Eek.

middle child said...

My dogs hair is stronger than anything swiffer can toss out there.

Where can I go and wear my tiara?

I too do Love Spell.

I love almonds, cashews, pecans and sesame sticks mixed with white chocolate chips.

Ricki Schultz said...

Same thing with the hair for me. Not so much that I hate *washing* it as having to blow it out.

Scratch that: apply product 1, apply product 2, preliminary blow-dry, section, THEN blow out.


But I like it to look fabulous, and that's hard to achieve in the summer's humidity! *wants to be kinky-curly*

Dayana Stockdale said...

Wow you are random. I hate washing my hair too, but luckily its crazy thick so I get away with it.