Wednesday, May 5, 2010

It's totally not about that

Yesterday morning was beautiful. One of those "OMG! I LOVE MY LIFE!" mornings. I exercised, *gasp,* ate well, *double gasp,* had an overwhelming, delicious response to the BIG 100 CONTEST, and for the first time in awhile, tolerated enjoyed the sunshine. *faints*

(well, not ALL...)

Yesterday afternoon, this happened (oh crap, not again). And then that (really? is this a joke?). And then an illness set in. The old "OMG! WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?" ate me up like a bad virus. The self-doubt, the "I can't go ons," the "I'm crap," got to me in a bad way. And my daughter, bless her tiny heart, didn't help.

"Where's your pants?" I asked 3yo, Lilliana. She was sprawled out along the couch, pantless, obviously.

"I don't know," she said. "I took them off after I peed."

I searched her face, which was stone sour. "When did you pee?"

"Yeah," she said.

"No, WHEN did you?"

"Uh-huh. I did," she said.

"WHEN, Lilli? Mommy wants to know WHEN."

"I told you, I did! Be nice!"

I turned away, my head in my hands and counted to ten with a shaky, hot breath. Had it happened in the middle of my perfect morning, I'd have laughed it off, because let's face it. It's effing funny. But she caught me in the middle of my pity party and it was a party of one.

Needless to say, I wasn't laughing at our lack of communication. I think it went something like Mommy holding the tears long enough to run to the bathroom, where she fell to the floor and pounded the floor with her fists where the violins cued. Or something a little less dramatic, but you get the picture.

To get my mind off things, I fired off an email to one of my BFFLS, Tahereh, who is amazing at, well, everything. In one honest, thoughtful message, she gave me all the tools I needed to:
a) Stay positive
c) Persevere
d) Love her even more (if that's possible)
e) Stop crying like a baby
f) Turn to someone (which is not like me...I usually keep it to myself)
g) Realize we really are in this thing together

Writers are an AMAZING bunch of people. The comaraderie, the support, the shared pains, fears, tears and joys, the everything. She, along with every one of you who reads this blog, follows, and/or supports me, reminds me why I write.

It's not always about getting the yes.

You hear that? Because it took awhile for it to set in, for me. Let me say it again. It's not always about getting the yes.

Sometimes it's about getting the satisfaction of seeing words in print, getting feelings out, a story out, learning, making friends, marketing, growing, finding yourself, or even

what I'm trying to say is, 
well, um, 
you know, 

You. Inspire. Me.

Candyland. Out.



Jaydee Morgan said...

I've thrown a few pity parties in my day - I hope you did it up right (every good party needs balloons as well as violins) ;)

I'm glad you reached out to someone and it looks like you picked the perfect person! Hang in there, pick yourself up and carry on with your awesome self. I hope you have a fabulous day today :)

Tammy Gallant said...

Awww sweetie, I'm sorry you had a bad day. Remember that I'm here for you and sending virtual hugs and chocolate your way.

PS: Your daughter IS funny, she gets that from you <3

Alesa Warcan said...

I wish I could bake you a cake! Every party (except maybe the Radical Jedi party in Australia) needs cake... and the advantage of having cake is that you have cake. Marvelous that.

Karen Amanda Hooper said...

We've all been there and feel your pain.

Sometimes I get so mad I wish I was 3 years old so I could pee my pants.
Actually, no. I doubt that would make me feel better, but you know what I mean.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Oh, I so feel your pain.

I'm sending virtual hugs and chocolate your way. (okay, not quite the same as the real thing). :)

Hope today is better. And if not, you're welcome to join my pity party. It's snow here. Again!!!!!

Mary McDonald said...

Sorry things went downhill, but that story with your daughter is so cute. lol. I'm sure it wasn't at the time, but now that you've written it down, you'll always remember it and think back on it with a chuckle. The rest of the day will fade and you probably won't even remember the contests, or whatever else happened, you'll just have the picture of your daughter in your mind. :-)

Girl with One Eye said...

I was laughing so hard. I've had these SAME type of conversations with my boys. Pity party of one, been there, done that.

Jen said...

Candyland you are amazing! What an awesome contest and it just keeps getting better! I had a lot of fun putting your adventure together! It was fun!!!

Stay positive and have a glass of wine when you're done. Oh I am thinking now about little Miss Lillian sitting on the couch telling you she went pee and not understanding why you're so upset when she keeps telling you over and over again, silly little thing!

Matthew Rush said...

You inspire me Candace. Your courage and honesty are not only always entertaining, but really uplifting.

Besides as I like to say: if you don't put your writing out there for others to read it's not really writing, just writing shit down.

Keep it up, never give up, and you will find success. If your actual writing is half as fun to read as your blog you're going to be HUGE (as in successful, not like physically large).

Talli Roland said...

The thing about writing is that it's so easy to feel like we are alone. But we're not - and I'm so happy that you turned to someone who gave you such great support. That's what we're all here for and it's the true meaning of a writing community!

Hang in there. Write because you love creating. Good things will happen if you keep at it!

T.J. Carson said...

Awww. Sadly those days happen and you just want to rip your hair out or punch a wall (don't do either btw) bc tomorrow ALWAYS makes things better. For some reason, idk if you want to get biological I guess your serotonin and dopamine levels regulate and you feel execellente again! I suppose when you feel crappy that you have a lack of those neurotransmitters. OKAY i'm done being a geek, but you feel me right? Things balance out in the end. I'M HERE FOR YOU (though we just met ;D) You inspire me too! And I hope your day gets better! Thank you for doing what you do! And though your daughter does not know it yet she will thank you (maybe not out loud but she will know) that you mean a lot and you work hard and strive, even when things get tough. STAY STRONG!

Carolyn V. said...

I've totally been there. I hate those days. Especially when I compare myself to my other friends (or that way skinny girl down the street...grrrr).

I love the writing community. There are so many of us and we all know what it's like to go through rejection and difficulties. Even though it's still hard some days.

The Alliterative Allomorph said...

Aw, I've so been, no AM, in your shoes (um .. yeah practically every day, but let's just keep that between you and me, hey? ;).

I go through stages where I just want to start all over. Where I feel everything will be so much better if I get rid of my partner, my house, my clothes - my life basically - completely illogical reaction to rejection and non-rewarding hard work (so it seems in my mind at that time).

I'm not sure how I pull myself out of it, but I come out of it eventually, and then I feel like I'm the luckiest person alive - completely irrational, once again. I always seem to be at one end of the extreme.

Where's the middle ground? Candace, if you find the middle ground, can you point me in the right direction? I'll be sure to let you know if it walks by me in the street someday - and I'll send Mr Middleground in your direction too :)

KarenG said...

This dialogue with your daughter is SO DANG CUTE!! Hope your day gets better!

Elana Johnson said...

Dude, you hate me, don't you? Just kidding. But yeah, this post is like in direct contradiction to mine today. But you're so right. SO RIGHT. I know it's not about the yes, I know that.

*deep breath*

I'm starting a new mantra: "It's not about the yes. It's not about the yes."

Thanks. :)

Creepy Query Girl said...

awe, I'm glad you have an awesome pal like tahera to talk you off the ledge. It's not always about the 'yes', the process should be just as fulfilling as success (although it hardly ever feels that way!) I'm glad you're feeling better though!

Tahereh said...

i absolutely and wholeheartedly adore you. you are a gem, bestie. a GEM.

and you WILL get your yes.

and i LOVE saying i told you so.

so i can't wait to say it.

i'm hugging you from across the way, love.

big, big, hugs.


Patti said...

My day started off like yours. I exercised, ate well, talked to friends then I started working on revisions and the chocolate came out, my impatient voice surfaced and by the end of the night I was a big slug on the couch.

Know that your not alone and that we can get through this together. Hang in there.

Next week, you'll tell someone your story about your daughter and laugh.

Shannon said...

I'm sorry that you had such a crappy day but damn I love your voice. Your exchange with Lilliana had me laughing.

For what it's worth, I think you're fabulous.


Dawn said...

Great post - and such a positive spin on a crappy (end) day.
BTW - I love your blog voice.

Kelly said...

I hope your day turns around for the better.
Ahhhh, days of finding pools of pee in the house... :)
When my oldest son was finally pottytrained for sure and wore underwear, he wore just underwear all day long. A work man would come over, he wouldn't put pants on. Company (family) would come over, there he'd be on the couch in his unders! He did that for about a year and a half! (thankfully he did wear clothes to preschool, but took them off half the time when he got home!)

Dianne K. Salerni said...


I'm really sorry you had so much sucky stuff happen in one day (although spreading sucky stuff out doesn't help much either).

Your friend's advice is right on the mark. Keep on believing; keep on writing. Work the craft and stay positive.

You have no idea what really good things are right around the corner, and they might not even be the ones you are expecting!

MissV said...

It's amazing how our kids learn to push our buttons at such a young age.

I used to call my mom and whine.

She ALWAYS sided with the kids. Grrr. But that's what Grandmas are supposed to do I guess.

Hang in all gets better!

Buffy Andrews said...

The great thing about these types of days are that they eventually end and you get a new day, a fresh start. It's all part of life. The ups and downs. But look what you have -- an amazing little girl. Wow! Now that's an accomplishment! And you're right. It's not always about the Yes. Sometimes there's a reason for the No. Might be because there's a better Yes around the corner. Hang in there girlfriend.

Anne said...

I feel terrible that I missed your terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I was busy doing research as a favor to my husband and it was no fun at all. 8 straight hours of searching for local companies general counsel contact info. Let me tell you-- No One posts that information anywhere. I had to dig and dig and dig. Anywho...

I hope you are doing better and if you ever need another mama/writer to rant to you have my email :)I can throw in my cell number too for those extremely volatile situations. Cheer up Charlie!

Ashley A. said...


You will come through splendiferously, but that doesn't make RIGHT NOW any easier!