(well, not ALL...)
Yesterday afternoon, this happened (oh crap, not again). And then that (really? is this a joke?). And then an illness set in. The old "OMG! WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?" ate me up like a bad virus. The self-doubt, the "I can't go ons," the "I'm crap," got to me in a bad way. And my daughter, bless her tiny heart, didn't help.
"Where's your pants?" I asked 3yo, Lilliana. She was sprawled out along the couch, pantless, obviously.
"I don't know," she said. "I took them off after I peed."
I searched her face, which was stone sour. "When did you pee?"
"Yeah," she said.
"No, WHEN did you?"
"Uh-huh. I did," she said.
"WHEN, Lilli? Mommy wants to know WHEN."
"I told you, I did! Be nice!"
I turned away, my head in my hands and counted to ten with a shaky, hot breath. Had it happened in the middle of my perfect morning, I'd have laughed it off, because let's face it. It's effing funny. But she caught me in the middle of my pity party and it was a party of one.
Needless to say, I wasn't laughing at our lack of communication. I think it went something like Mommy holding the tears long enough to run to the bathroom, where she fell to the floor and pounded the floor with her fists where the violins cued. Or something a little less dramatic, but you get the picture.
To get my mind off things, I fired off an email to one of my BFFLS, Tahereh, who is amazing at, well, everything. In one honest, thoughtful message, she gave me all the tools I needed to:
a) Stay positive
d) Love her even more (if that's possible)
e) Stop crying like a baby
f) Turn to someone (which is not like me...I usually keep it to myself)
g) Realize we really are in this thing together
Writers are an AMAZING bunch of people. The comaraderie, the support, the shared pains, fears, tears and joys, the everything. She, along with every one of you who reads this blog, follows, and/or supports me, reminds me why I write.
It's not always about getting the yes.
You hear that? Because it took awhile for it to set in, for me. Let me say it again. It's not always about getting the yes.
Sometimes it's about getting the satisfaction of seeing words in print, getting feelings out, a story out, learning, making friends, marketing, growing, finding yourself, or even just.to.breathe...
what I'm trying to say is,
You. Inspire. Me.
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