It's hard to believe people actually pay to have a stranger give them a massage. Especially when you have a spouse or partner or magical unicorn. But once upon a lifetime, I bought a Groupon for a couple's massage. I thought it'd be a fun way to spend the morning and with all EG and I have been working, I was looking forward to relieving some stress.
I've had massages before but each time, much like childbirth, I forget how completely awkward it is. Then as soon as I leave I'm all "I want another one!"
Things no one tells you about being rubbed down:
*They're going to get oil in your hair. And they're going to really work it into your scalp. Sure, it feels good at the time, but when you leave, you look like you were electrocuted. It's not cute. And now you smell like you've been at an orgy all morning.
*They're going to pretend you'll be covered while they work on certain areas. You won't be. All your business will be out. I hope you cleaned up.
*There will be a moment where OOPS WAS THAT A NAIL TOO CLOSE TO MY PARTS? Yes. Yes it was. Don't flinch. It will just make it that more uncomfortable.
*You will be the most stressed out you've ever been in your life. You won't relax. You'll be worried about looking relaxed, but not too relaxed. You don't what the lady (or man) to think it's putting you in the mood. Because that's the last thing on your oily-haired mind.
*Your hand will get caught in the lady's necklace and when she goes to gently remove it (you are face down and can't see), she will hold your hand for a weird amount of time. She may squeeze it. Don't squeeze back. You're not dating now.
I'm never getting one again (I said this about kids after offspring #1).Well, maybe (I said this, too).
Have you ever paid for a stranger to make you feel awkward?