Monday, July 23, 2012

5 Things no one tells you about a paid rub-down...

Yes.

Oh, hi.

It's hard to believe people actually pay to have a stranger give them a massage. Especially when you have a spouse or partner or magical unicorn. But once upon a lifetime, I bought a Groupon for a couple's massage. I thought it'd be a fun way to spend the morning and with all EG and I have been working, I was looking forward to relieving some stress.

Um, no.

I've had massages before but each time, much like childbirth, I forget how completely awkward it is. Then as soon as I leave I'm all "I want another one!"

Things no one tells you about being rubbed down:

*They're going to get oil in your hair. And they're going to really work it into your scalp. Sure, it feels good at the time, but when you leave, you look like you were electrocuted. It's not cute. And now you smell like you've been at an orgy all morning.

*They're going to pretend you'll be covered while they work on certain areas. You won't be. All your business will be out. I hope you cleaned up.

*There will be a moment where OOPS WAS THAT A NAIL TOO CLOSE TO MY PARTS? Yes. Yes it was. Don't flinch. It will just make it that more uncomfortable.

*You will be the most stressed out you've ever been in your life. You won't relax. You'll be worried about looking relaxed, but not too relaxed. You don't what the lady (or man) to think it's putting you in the mood. Because that's the last thing on your oily-haired mind.

*Your hand will get caught in the lady's necklace and when she goes to gently remove it (you are face down and can't see), she will hold your hand for a weird amount of time. She may squeeze it. Don't squeeze back. You're not dating now.

Overall, it was "relaxing." It's in quotes because that's what I'm supposed to say. EG liked it, and I guess that was the whole point since it was my gift to him (that he loved SO MUCH he forgot about it until it was nearly expired).

I'm never getting one again (I said this about kids after offspring #1).Well, maybe (I said this, too).

Have you ever paid for a stranger to make you feel awkward?

Candyland. OUT.

15 comments:

Matthew MacNish said...

No happy ending?

My girlfriend right after high school made me go get a pedicure at the Aveda institute with her. I don't think the little Asian chick working there had even seen bunions that big before.

Patty Blount said...

3 words. Laser Hair Removal.

*runs away*

Johanna Garth said...

Too funny. At least yours pretended you would be covered up! You might just have inspired my Friday blog post :)

Kelly Polark said...

I used to be really modest until I had and then nursed three children. Then all modesty went out the window.
I had my first massage on my honeymoon. My hubby and I had a couple's massage but they were in separate rooms. At the end of the massage, the masseuse spanked my bare butt three times really hard! Since I never had a massage before, I didn't know if that was a regular thing in a massage. Apparently it's not!

Michael Offutt, Tebow Cult Initiate said...

I'm a person that visits the spa often. I love professional massage and massage treatments. Bob Hope said it best, "I attribute my long life to having a massage every single day."

If I could afford it, I would totally do this every single day. And a professional massage is hands down better than anything you get from a partner. A good massage is work and requires training, sometimes hot rocks (love the hot rock treatment), special oils that are designed to release toxins from your body, and to purify your mind, etc.

Love it.

M.P. McDonald said...

My husband bought me a gift certificate for a massage at our local health club. I never used it. Luckily for me, the value of the cert could go towards other things like I paid for my daughter to bring a few friends in swimming with us a couple of times. lol. I am not into being touched by strangers even if it's supposed to relax me.

Mel Chesley said...

Lol! I have had a massage, but parts were covered, nails never got too close or anywhere to be considered close and I didn't get tangled in jewelry. I suppose each therapist and place is different.
I didn't like it so much I went back, mind you. But I did have my best friend, who is a therapist, work on some minor areas. I was fully clothed, nothing major. Now I don't know if I want to get another massage, I don't want to go through this... what if you're so relaxed you pass gas!? *Gasp* I'd have to move! This is a small town you know. XD

Jennifer Jones said...

The only massage I had was when I was pregnant with Reina. I had terrible sciatica when I was 8 months pregnant and somehow thought this would help. I spend 30 minutes hearing this lady tell me about every graphic part of her labors including all the blood and begging her doctor to save the placenta so she could keep it. If that wasn't relaxing enough, she was really rough the entire time and kept telling me how huge I was. What a great idea!

vic caswell (aspiring-x) said...

eeeeeyyyyaahhh
*shivers*
yeah. i don't like to touch or be touched by strangers... or acquaintances... or friends... or anyone not related to me by blood or marriage... and i don't like to be touched by some of them either.
blech!
you are totally brave.

Tonja said...

Funny! In my experience, boyfriends forget how to give massages the minute they say "I do."

I've never had a massage, but facials are equally wonderful and horrific.

Jamie Burch said...

I knew there was a reason why I've never had a professional massage. Yikes!

Jo said...

I've had a massage on a few occasions, I always leave light headed. I don't get entirely naked either, so I don't worry about what they are seeing. Funny stuff though!

N.Scott said...

Ha! Wish I had read this three months ago when I had my first massage ever. Left quite limp and but not at all attractive to look at. You could fry eggs on my head. Next time will bring a disposable scarf.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I get a massage a couple times a year. It always feels awkward at first. But I get over it....by the end I'm always wondering why I didn't pay for 90 minutes instead of 60.

Jo Schaffer said...

Hahah! It moved!

I love going to a spa and getting a massage!

I miss you, my girl. (;