Sunday, January 5, 2014


Way back when I started on the path to publication, before I knew I could somewhat string words together to make books and pretty-sounding things, my belief in "the process" was at its highest level. You know the one. It's full of hope (full of something), and dreams of what could be. You imagine your book on the front display at the bookstore and signing autographs and hanging out in coffee shops with the likes of Stephen King while you discuss plot twists and character flaws, all while laughing at all the "others" who won't make the full journey. Because it's hard and they'll quit. But this is about something else. This is about all the things no one will say. And why it sucks so hard.

If you'll remember waaaaaayyyy back, I wrote a book that was a winner of the Teenfire/Sourcebooks writing competition. Before that book, I didn't know who I was as a writer. Sure, I'd made some money from it, but nothing major. That contest gave me validation. That what I was doing was right. The announcement fell between a mile-high stack of rejections and my loss of faith in myself, so the timing couldn't have been better.

But it wasn't enough.

I revised the crap out of that book, re-queried, and sat on the silence. For months. One agent took a keen interest in my writing and unofficially helped me shape the book into something solid. It was happening. Someone FINALLY believed enough in my writing to take a real chance. She offered representation, sent pages and pages of notes along with the contract and gave me a reason to believe. In myself. In dreams. In good things happening to those who work hard enough.

After months of re-writing [what is still] my favorite love story of all time, I submitted all things book-ish to my agent. I loved saying that, too. MY AGENT. I said it every chance I got because I earned it. Just as all of you with agents say it, it made my tongue tingle with anticipation for what the future may hold.

And then she disappeared.

Literally. She left all her clients in the dust. No explanation. No apology. NOTHING. And that's exactly what I felt like when I had no response all those months of calling and emailing. NOTHING.

I stopped writing altogether because it hurt too much. Over a hundred rejections, multiple re-writes, and although most could agree they loved "my voice," only one agent took a chance on me. And she was gone.

It was nearly a year before I came across a freelance writing/editing website to make some money and gradually pick up the pieces of my writing heart. It was hard. I kind of hated it. I wanted, so badly, for my book to make it. That story and I had been through SO MUCH together. And even still, I *know* I have something there. It hasn't garnered the attention it has for no reason. But it doesn't matter...

Every now and then, I still re-query my baby. But the truth is, agents don't know what they want, regardless of what they say. Even when they think they do, and they have what they're asking for in their hands, it's not guaranteed they'll love it. I received a rejection SIX MONTHS after sending a requested full. It came out of nowhere. It doesn't matter that in the years' prior, I've written books for best-selling authors or that I'm a writer with a real voice. It doesn't matter that I would re-write until my fingers fall off to see my book on a shelf. I kept telling myself 'if I had time, I'd write one of the other books I have notebooks full of outlines for.'

That's what everyone says: Move on. Write another book. Keep going.

So while you're querying, stop and think about all the rules we're supposed to abide by and in 2014, decide to break them. Do things YOUR way. Don't let all the nonsense get into your head. Don't read about all the cool stuff Author A is doing. Focus on you. I swear. This is the year I write another book.

In my own name.


Candyland. OUT.


Creepy Query Girl said...

Ugh. I feel your pain, having written not one but TWO revise & resubmits for an agent that up and left the business. She wasn't technically my agent, but she was, like you said, the only one so far who seemed to believe enough in my work to help me get somewhere. I've had to take a serious step back from the whole thing and have barely lifted a finger to write these last six months. But then there's that one request for a full that comes out of nowhere and the viola, just like that the old fire is lit. It will probably end in dissapointment, but I think we all have to take motivation wherever we can get it at this point. Hopefully I'll be meeting the same goal this year. It's about time I finish another damn book.

Erin Kane Spock said...

We're raised to be dependent on the gold star for validation. It's awesome that you found it within yourself. Sucks how you got there.
Keep on truckin'. I give up from time to time, so frustrated at not knowing what I'm doing wrong that I forget what I can do right.

Crossing my fingers for you.

Matthew MacNish said...

Word to your mother. I've come so close to giving up so many times, but in the end, I realized, I love writing. I enjoy making up stories. I'm never truly going to stop doing those things, so what would really be the point of stopping submitting them?

Chris said...

Hi there, just stopping by to say how delightful your blog is. Thanks so much for sharing. I have recently found your blog and am now following you, and will visit often. Please stop by my blog and perhaps you would like to follow me also. Have a wonderful day. Hugs, Chris

Sherrie Petersen said...

I heart this post, especially because I went through a similar experience. This business is such a roller coaster. It has given me some of the highest highs and tied me up in knots. Here's hoping 2014 is looking up for you!

Sherrie Petersen said...

I heart this post, especially since I went through a similar experience. This business is such a roller coaster. It has given me the highest highs and tied me up in knots. I love that you have that indomitable spirit. Here's hoping 2014 is looking up for you.

Matthew MacNish said...

Just stopping by to say hi. Kthxbai

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Publishing is a hard gig to get into. I'm glad to hear you are working on a new book along with your freelance work.

Miss chatting with you....