Yesterday I couldn't breathe.
Some questions provoke anxiety. More "why." More "what if?" More "now what?" More more more questions than answers. You can't see my face, right now (or ever), but if you could, you'd see an exhausted, frustrated, and down right sad pair of eyes staring back at you. Not because I'm ready to give up. Not because I'm "over it." Not because I can't do whatever it takes.
But because I'm human.
Yesterday the doctor looked me in the eye and swallowed. His hands were clasped together, forming a shallow well between the finger holes. "Last September, we got all the tissue."
I swallowed, too.
"Things should be normal, because the tissue is gone," he said.
I rubbed my hands raw and watched the dried flakes plummet to the floor while my stomach twisted into a double knot. "Things aren't normal."
"But, the tissue. The tissue. The tissue." He started every sentence with those words, tearing little holes in my ears so the blood could flow. I watched his mouth move in half-time, but the words became silent. The only sounds were of my heart, racing, and the clock's minute hand, crawling.
"The tissue" was my child. "The tissue" was a part of me. "The tissue" took a big part of me when he scraped it off my insides. It clung to me with a plea, to be remembered as something other than "tissue."
I have no answers, still. Just more appointments, more questions, more doubt, insecurity, loss of faith, confusion and frustration. And that's only one of my questions. There's still a whole list of things unanswered, hoping for something a little more than everything I got yesterday.
I'll fall to my knees, clutch the angel with Lilliana's fingerprint in the middle and squeeze my eyes tight. Until the answers come. The kind to pull my to my feet, drag my arms towards the sky and force a "thank you" from my lips.
Thank you for last September's "tissue."
Thank you for today's possibilities.
Thank you for tomorrow's answers.
P.S. Two days left to enter my Contest. Spread the word, enter, be happy. Winners announced Friday.
P.P.S. If you want to leave my post smiling, head right over to Sheri's blog where you can see my winning photo caption entry.