Tuesday, August 31, 2010

If having foot-in-mouth syndrome were prosperous, he'd be effing loaded

Remember this guy?
As much as I love my husband (and I do), he has that syndrome where he verbal vomits in the worst way. I'll admit, there are times I wonder if he's saying exactly what he means but most of the time, I know instantly he didn't mean to say it, or has no idea what words fell from his lips like mini weirdo bullets.
Erik G's top comments in the recent days (please hold the applause):
Where's my beautiful beast?
How's my b!tch?
*looks lovingly at me* You're face is God awful.
You don't feel as big anymore. Right here...and here *pinches sides one at a time*
I did get a day's worth of calcium from my 3-way

How lucky am I? <---rhetorical. Seriously though. I know what he means. I think. Sometimes. I've come to know the names are sweet (however retarded they come out), I'm obvs supermodel skinny (since I use to be a whale by the sound of it) and the 3-way isn't as sexy as it sounds (Skyline chili).

And every time he talks, I refer to this because it's as random as what he says:

What about you...has your loved one ever said something that sounded like puke but you *knew* what they meant to say? Tellmetellmetellme.


Candyland. OUT.

51 comments:

Renae said...

This post was too funny! My absolute favorite is when I'm obviously ready to go and my husband asks if I'm going to fix my hair. I just want to smack him with my oversized purse!

Jen said...

You crack me up!!! I'm with Renae the hair line has been used on me a few times, that or the typical "You're wearing that?" sometimes the look on his face says it than the actual words.

Punk... and yet I love him :)

Creepy Query Girl said...

I'm sure my dh has had a case of word vomit. Or diareah of the mouth. However you wanna say it. I just can't remember. My mom is one of those people that remembers any offensive thing my father has said in the last thirty years and can bring it back out on the table at whim. Now there's a talent I wish I had.

Slamdunk said...

I can relate to saying the wrong thing on occasion.

One time, the Mrs. was looking through old pictures and saw some of me hiking in the Smoky Mountains. I observed how fun it was seeing all the waterfalls together... The problem was that I hiked to waterfalls with an ex-girlfriend and not the Mrs.

Good grief.

salarsenッ said...

I really think our hubs have a ton in common. Too funny.

Linda G. said...

The worst is when hubs says "God, I'm getting old," because he knows good and well I'm four months older than he is. ;)

Jaydee Morgan said...

My man also suffers from foot-in-mouth disease. Unfortunately I can't think of any at the moment - but they're always worth a shake of the head when they come out.

Kelly Breakey said...

You know I only share this stuff with you because its well you.

Halloween and I say to hubs what do you think I should go as this year (we dress up every year and give out candy in our neighborhood. Yes, I want to be ten years old again when Halloween was magical.) He says stop the hormone and you can go as Kelly pre-medicated, that will scare the sh!t out of the kids.

Seriously, I love this guy.

Summer Ross said...

it happens from time to time :)

Kelly said...

Funny!
My husband says incredibly inappropriate things or innuendos to me around the children which they giggle at or go over their head (hopefully most of it goes over their head).
He lovingly calls me Broadzilla too.
Men are such....men. :)

Anne said...

I could fill a few pages with Chad's poo of the mouth. Luckily for him I let it all roll off.

Falen (Sarah) said...

Hah! He gets an 'A' for Awesome!
i particularly liked the one where he pinched you. Win.

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Haha. I think word vomit is something men are given as soon as they're born. lol.

The calcium 3-way made me laugh. :)

aspiring_x said...

my hubby thinks it's sweet to call me rude nicknames. the most common: Ugs (short for ugly)
men!

Kelly Dexter said...

Oh my goodness, thanks for sharing, because this was too funny. Some of those sound like they would elicit a *facepalm* of epic proportions.

It can be adorable -kind of- when guys make those comments that do not sound in any way complimentary. But I don't have a significant anything, so for all I know I could be way wrong.

Talli Roland said...

Haha! Sounds like you're on to a winner there. :)

Hmm. I can't think of anything off-hand, but my husband studied philosophy so instead of coming out with something short and direct, it usually goes on for hours and hours... and hours... Honestly, I'd prefer the word bullets to the word water torture!

Lenny said...

i didnt ever hear of verbal vomit before. yikes it doesnt sound so nice. im not so sure how i could feel about it. i think it could be hard to stay around someone that says mean stuff. maybe its not so bad cause even when mr erik does it you still love him.
...hugs from lenny

The Alliterative Allomorph said...

hahaha! Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. S sometimes says I sound like a cartoon when I speak Greek. He also calls me 'Idi'. short for 'idiot' (I think I've said that to you before?) Anyway, I think it's cute and I just laugh :o) Um ... oh yeah, he once said "What the &*# are you wearing? We're not going to the carnival!" hehehe I like to experiment with clothes, me, I do ;o)

Tahereh said...

ahahaha oh you're too cute.

:D

Carolyn V. said...

LOL. You gotta love the speech vomit. I'm sure my hubby has said something that has made me go, "huh?" but I try to block those moments out of my memory. =)

middle child said...

Not exactly, to answer your question. But I do most often know what he is going to say, not that it is obvious, if fact it is often unrelated. But I just know things sometimes and more so with him.
I do have a common response to his seemingly ADD related Tourett's syndrom though I'll interject, during sudden swerve in conversation - "OH LOOK! A CHICKEN!" He finally understands why I say that now. For a long time he just let it go. Slooooow man. I am not mean, I just need to release the frustration so that's what I say.

Shannon Whitney Messenger said...

Oh yeah, my husband tends to have verbal vomit. But then so do I, so we make a perfect pair. :)

Sorry I haven't been by in forever. I've been swamped with WriteOnCon and everything else. But i'm missed my blog hopping!!!! *sniffles*

Erin Kane Spock said...

I was laying on my side and my husband started to massage-sort-of my love handle region. It went on longer than was comfortable and I asked what he was doing. He acted surprised and said, "Oh, sorry. I thought that was your boob."
Sigh.
He will never live that one down -- it's just too funny. Although I know he didn't mean to insult my fat roll or my breasts. I think.
Just sharing.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Oh, yes! Absolutely! But of course I can't come up with anything right now. I'll have to get back to you on that. :-)

Vicki Rocho said...

The whole reason I am still married (17+ years) is because I learned early on to take EVERYTHING the man says in the BEST possible way. He sticks his foot in his mouth so often, it's not even funny. He means well, but he does not have the greatest command of English so it comes out bass-ackwards and if I were a different woman, he'd piss me off daily.

LTM said...

yo, Tits Magee. Adrien Broooody.

(does that count?)

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

LOL...You are so funny! Your poor hubby...Mine would just die if he read this post, let alone if I had written it about him....You must have one with a great sense of humor. :)

Matthew Rush said...

How did I miss this one?

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