Monday, January 3, 2011

Sometimes pain is a reminder we are alive

Candyland is going to talk about something some of you may turn away from, but I beg of you, if you must go, at least read the last two paragraphs. My wish for you in the coming year is resilience...something I'm being tested for on an ongoing basis.

I can't pretend this has been an easy holiday. I want to, but I can't. If you visited the blog in the last week, you saw what was an emotional first visit to my father's grave marker. He died in 2004 from cancer. Four whole years passed before I found out, and every day is another chance for my heart to break with the mere thought of it, him.

But seeing the marker was as close as I'll ever get to seeing him. And I'm trying to come to terms with that.

(Brace yourself for more crap news)

And then, something happened this weekend. Something I wasn't expecting. A few weeks back, I'd been feeling nauseated, drinking Sprite and smashing crackers into my mouth like it was my last meal. I didn't want to believe I could be, you know, pregnant, because it's been a tough road over the last two years. I'd miscarried 9/29/09 with what would have been our 2nd child, and now, I've lost what would have been baby number 3.

I'm sort of in a blur of emotions. From confusion, to anger, to grief, to WHY ME? And I don't want this post to depress you, but instead, inspire you. If you take away one thing from what I've lived, what I've said, take this: THE STRONG RESOLVE TO FIGHT.

I will not stop trying to make a baby, because I believe it will happen. I will not stop missing my father, but I will learn to heal. I will not stop querying, because I feel deep in my gut, no matter how much I sometimes want to throw in the towel, my agent is out there. And yours is too.

When you want to quit, think of me. And how effing stubborn I am.
Candyland. OUT.

46 comments:

Vicki Rocho said...

I'm sooo sorry. Words always fail me at times like these. What a crappy thing to deal with over the holidays. (((HUG)))

Justine Dell said...

I love you so much. Your inspiration and spunk are things I strive for.

I hope your dreams one day come true. (That totally sounded like a freaking Disney movie). Seriously, though.

~JD

Robyn Campbell said...

Candy, words cannot convey what I'm feeling for you right now. There are NO words............... I'm sorry and I love you, girlfriend. You have my email. Shoot me one, if you need to talk. And this is our year. (Along with Shannon O'D, and a few others.) Let's make it count. NEVER GIVE UP! (((hugs))) and loves. <3

salarsenッ said...

You know, I could just effing punch life in the face, right now. I hate that this is happening to you. I know this isn't helping, but I want you to know I 'get it'. Not on the same level as you do, but I do understand. There is something within all this crap for you, something good. I wish I could tell you what that is; I can't. But I do believe...please don't ever stop believing. Heart U.

Jessica Bell said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry :( If I could give you a massive hug I would. just imagine I am ... :o)

Laura Pauling said...

So sorry. It doesn't sound like an easy time right now. Kudos to you for keeping trying and fighting for what you want.

Renae said...

I'm at a loss for words. You are such an inspiration to us all just by sharing this heartbreaking story. Your attitude is just wonderful and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

Kelly said...

Oh, Candace. You are so strong, but let yourself fall apart a little then put yourself back together and resolve to fight. Hugs to you.
You are such a generous, wonderful person, things have to turn around for you. Keep at the writing, keep knowing that you will have another little one too. XO

Tracy said...

Sometimes life doesn't seem to make any sense. Sometimes there just aren't any witty quips you can say to make things feel better.

*HUGS*

And the first four-leaf clover I find this year, I'm sending it straight to you!

Deborah said...

Hi,I am so sorry. Not much I can say but I can say I also suffered a miscarriage and a tubal pregnancy. I have two kids now, older, so this was a while back. It does hurt, I remember that. But my feelings were that something must have been wrong with the baby so your body knew what to do. I really think that. So hopefully you will become pregnant again and very soon!! Also, I'm very sorry for the loss of your Dad, very sad.
Happy New Year and I really hope it is for you!
xxoo
Deborah

Jen Daiker said...

You're an absolute inspiration to us all! Candace you courage and ability to never give up is what makes you not only an amazing writer but also an amazing person.

You are strong and you give me strength when I need it the most. I'm sorry for all your losses but know that friends and family are with you to help you heal and grow!

Anne said...

Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry. I love you with all of my heart.

Anne said...

Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry. I love you with all of my heart.

Melissa Gill said...

Oh sweetie, that just sucks. And it's just not fair. If it helps to know that there are hundreds of us out here praying for you and holding on to you, then let that be a source of comfort.

Dawn said...

I am so sorry, Candy. You ARE resilient, and your ARE an inspiration. Thank you for sharing when I know it must be tough. Hugs.

LTM said...

sh!t, Candace. I'm so so sorry to hear this. Gah. (((big hug))) I don't have any words. But I'm sending prayers your way~ xoxo :o|

Nicole Zoltack said...

I am so sorry, Candace! You're in my thoughts and prayers. You have an incredible resolve to fight, you're one tough cookie! Not that that means you can't get emotional or cry, we all need that, but it's all about what happens after the tears have been shed. You are an inspiration for me. Thank you.

Jamie Burch said...

I'm sort of new to your blog, so I had no clue about all you've been struggling with. So sorry for everything.

I love your fighting spirit! This is one of my favorite stops to find inspiration.

*Big hugs*

Carolyn V. said...

(((hugs))) I am so sorry about the miscarriage. I had three. It was so hard. But stubbornness is the key. It will happen. (more hugs)

Shannon O'Donnell said...

I love you so much, Candace! You are one of the strongest women I know and I am proud to call you my friend. I believe - with all my heart - that there is good out there waiting for you. God won't let you down. In the meantime, you are an inspiration to so many others. Hang on, Candace! Your happy ending is out there. It is. :-)

Matthew Rush said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Candace. You are an inspiration to us all.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'm so sorry, Candace, for your loss. But you are a kickass fighter and will win in the end in everything you try. You've got the right attitude. Never lose that! *hugs*

Katie Mills said...

Candy, I hate that so much grief is happening to such an awesome person but if the voice, heart, humor and strength that comes through in your posts reflects who you are as a person, I can't help feeling like you will survive, succeed, and triumph! Not only do you deserve it but you are strong enough resilient enough and damned determined enough! I think you can do it all babe. Thanks for inspiring us!

February Grace said...

I am so, so sorry. You know where to find me, honey, if a listening, understanding ear will help.

I would never presume to say I can truly understand as everyone's grief is different but you know I have walked a similar path. It is ok to feel what you feel, just remember that and please be kind to yourself.

xoxo
~bru

Kelly Dexter said...

I needed to hear this today. In a bad way.

It's strange to think you can be inspired by someone you don't truly know, but you are proof that it can and does happen. Thank you for being you, and being brave enough to share with us. I'm sorry for your loss.

Tawna Fenske said...

Awww, honey...(((hugs)))

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but so inspired by your attitude.

I went through a pretty miserable, grueling process before my book deal came through, an I swear to you the thing that kept me going was the idea that the whole thing became a "literary grudge f**k." Every failure made me more determined to prove I COULD do it.

And so can you -- whatever it is you put your mind to.

Tawna

Jo Schaffer said...

I feel your pain in a big way. SO sorry. Way to be a fighter, girl.

Robin_Lucas said...

Sending you ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

Lenny Lee* said...

hi miss candace. you know me and you been sharing out lots of pain stuff. for sure i cant make it better but i could say how much i love you and i care about you and i know stuffs gonna get better. look how it did for me just from finding you! and whats way better is me and you being friends. i do prayers for you every night. i love you sooooo much!
...big hugs from lenny

Colene Murphy said...

Oh dear...I'm so sorry sweet Candace. But you're right. You can't stop trying because it IS all out there for you. And missing your father will hurt less, and will take on a new set of emotions that are much easier and more lovely than longing and grief. 2011 will be a good year for you.

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

oh i'm so sorry to hear this. You do so many good things for so many people, i know good things will visit you again, in their own time. Sometimes the journey just sucks (understatement) but i know things will be great for you one day.

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Candace, I am so glad you're strong and resilient, because I know you will keep fighting. You are an inspiration for us all. But I know you're grieving, too, and that's okay. I think you have to feel the pain to move forward. We all love you, and we are hurting for you, too.
Hugs and tears ...

Chris Phillips said...

I'm sorry to hear about how rough the holidays were for you. I always try to remember my father through pictures and some of his old stuff since I never know what to think or feel at a cemetery. Bless you and I hope things turn around for you soon.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I heart you Candyland...

Your heart is so big for so many...

Time will help your aching heart...

HUGSSSSSSSS

Julie said...

I've been turning to you for inspiration for some time now...I can't imagine what you're going through, losing so much in such a short time. Nothing anyone can say will help.
But you should know that your words have touched me the way no one else's ever could. I am grateful for you and you will always be in my prayers.
Your journey will only make you stronger.
And I hope that someday, I can inspire someone the way you've inspired me. :)
All my love.

middle child said...

I agree with Kelly's comment. "Let yourself fall apart a little bit,..."
Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Grieve as you need to. You are strong and will come out of this OK. I am praying for you. *hugs*

Abby Minard said...

Aw Candace, I'm so sorry. You really are an ispiration to us though, even when you are down.

Kristi said...

What a beautiful person you are!

((((hugs))))

Wishing you and your family happier days to come and the courage to heal! (Even though I know you don't EVEN need it.)

You truly ARE an inspiration!

Olivia J. Herrell said...

Hi Candace, I'm clicking over from Jen's blog and man, you've had a tough time. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your feelings and your trials, you ARE an inspiration. My momma died four years ago and it still hurts like a knife twisting in my gut at times. I'm so sorry about your daddy. And the babies.

Sending love and prayers from Georgia, that rebel, Olivia

Kelly Breakey said...

I know I have been MIA for the last couple of days since the holidays but my heart just broke as I read these words. I never had the maternal instict to have children but I literally hurt for you and that need to nurture. I believe you will be a mother again. Just make sure you keep beliveing it. The world is a wonderous and mysterious place and it really does work in ways we can never understand. Don't lose hope even if you want to let the light go. Hold on. Because even in our darkest moments the hope for light can be enough to guide you through.

Know you are in my thoughts.

Dangerous With a Pen said...

I'm just coming over here for the first time from Jen's blog, but I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about your dad. I haven't seen mine since I was 15 and he's out in Arizona somewhere totally existing and not caring that he has never seen his grandchildren. I still have mixed feelings about it 16 years later.

And I have also miscarried twice, it happened to me five months apart in the same year. I just want to tell you that I'm sorry, it's horrible, it completely sucks in all directions. And I was like you, I had one beautiful, healthy little girl, and if one more person said it was meant to be or "be glad you have one", I would have punched them. Email if you ever need a listening or screaming ear.

Hugs to you.

Lindsey

Misha said...

I'm so sorry to read this news. Sometimes things happen that you don't and will never understand.

But I hope you manage to hold on tight until good things happen again.

I pray that you come through this difficult time and that yu will find heaps and heaps of joy in this new year.

Theresa Milstein said...

I'm sorry you miscarried. I could tell you my story of a miscarriage or tell you about the women I know who have miscarried a # of times, and then had successful births. But it doesn't minimize the pain.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

So sorry to hear you miscarried. I know there are no words to help ease the pain, but I'm sending you huge cyber-hugs.

Kristi Helvig said...

I just saw this and am so sorry for your loss. I've been through it too, and believe in the whole "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger thing." Stubbornness is a great quality to have--keep your head up. :)

Brianna said...

I am so sorry for what you've been through. I wish I had more comforting words.

Within the last three weeks, a couple in our church lost their 7month old baby boy; my sister-in-law miscarried her little girl; 7 children died in a fire in a town nearby and my ex-boss' 17 year-old daughter died in a car accident. I can't imagine the pain these mothers are going through. I think to myself, I could just never move on; I feel hopeless and it's hard for me to offer hope to these mothers who have suffered such terrible losses, but your posts have shown me what true strength is. You are an inspiration. I don't mean this to be a comment about my sad stories, but I just want you to know how helpful your posts have been to me.