Candyland is going to talk about something some of you may turn away from, but I beg of you, if you must go, at least read the last two paragraphs. My wish for you in the coming year is resilience...something I'm being tested for on an ongoing basis.
I can't pretend this has been an easy holiday. I want to, but I can't. If you visited the blog in the last week, you saw what was an emotional first visit to my father's grave marker. He died in 2004 from cancer. Four whole years passed before I found out, and every day is another chance for my heart to break with the mere thought of it, him.
But seeing the marker was as close as I'll ever get to seeing him. And I'm trying to come to terms with that.
(Brace yourself for more crap news)
And then, something happened this weekend. Something I wasn't expecting. A few weeks back, I'd been feeling nauseated, drinking Sprite and smashing crackers into my mouth like it was my last meal. I didn't want to believe I could be, you know, pregnant, because it's been a tough road over the last two years. I'd miscarried 9/29/09 with what would have been our 2nd child, and now, I've lost what would have been baby number 3.
I'm sort of in a blur of emotions. From confusion, to anger, to grief, to WHY ME? And I don't want this post to depress you, but instead, inspire you. If you take away one thing from what I've lived, what I've said, take this: THE STRONG RESOLVE TO FIGHT.
I will not stop trying to make a baby, because I believe it will happen. I will not stop missing my father, but I will learn to heal. I will not stop querying, because I feel deep in my gut, no matter how much I sometimes want to throw in the towel, my agent is out there. And yours is too.
When you want to quit, think of me. And how effing stubborn I am.