Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A drop of memory births the story of me

I've been staring at a blank screen for too long now and every time I try to write something with meaning, I fail (or talk about my a-hole cat FIM) (he's watching me) (yeah I'm talking to you, jerk) (I was telling him, not you, friends). Anyway, yesterday I shared something traumatic I'm going through and it wasn't as easy as it seems to spill all. I pride myself in being as honest as possible, but sometimes it backfires and I end up feeling guilty for having shared at all.

And I have a confession.

I will not stop trying to make a baby, because I believe it will happen. I will not stop missing my father, but I will learn to heal. I will not stop querying, because I feel deep in my gut, no matter how much I sometimes want to throw in the towel, my agent is out there. And yours is too.

I lied.

I don't actually believe that second baby will ever come, maybe I will never heal from the loss of my father and it's a very real possibility I will not land an agent. That is my current, neurotic reality. I hope I'm wrong. I say what I say, less for me, and more for you. So YOU won't give up. So YOU will make something of yourselves and be everything I wish I could be.

As for me, I have yet to find my footing from this more than minor stumble through life. I've always been honest with you, friends, and today is no different. No matter what lies ahead for me, you have to fight. Fight like it's your last chance, your last word, your last breath. I sure as hell want to. Do it for me, for you, for every bad thing that's ever happened to you and for every feeling of self-doubt you want to punch in the face.

But right now, I've realized, I'm temporarily out of, yaknow, fight. At least until my a-hole cat gets OUT OF THE AISLE (seriously, find a new spot to lay). FRIENDS LISTEN: I love you. More than I ever thought I could love different spawns of life from across the globe (whom I've never met). You are my MEDICINE too.

So, I'm going to do something I've been wavering on for some time: Write the story of me. With these memories, these words, how can I not?
Candyland. OUT.
P.S. Wow...thank you to every one who has reached out in this devastating time. The emails are empowering, the phone calls make me smile when I don't feel like it, the posts make me feel like I'm not alone, like what I say and do does matter, and let me tell you, I'm so humbled by the friends I've found through writing...
Thank you.

40 comments:

Jessica Bell said...

I know you feel as low as low right now, and you also feel like there doesn't seem to be any exit. I've been there. And I've done really horrible things to people because of it. That's where you and I are different. I lashed out. But you're reaching out. You have strength. Continue to reach out and you will find the love you need no matter what part of the globe it comes from. I LOVE you. We all do. You are one of a kind.

I'm not going to tell you that one day all this glumness will disappear. Because I know that it never really does. It sits at the back of your throat like a little pin for the rest of your life. But you will learn to live with it, just like people with amputated arms learn to live with one less limb, and you will do everything you can to succeed with what you have. And you will. If you want it, you will, even if while you try to get it you want to rip your veins out. I'm here for you if you need to talk, cry, whatever. I have Skype, we can even 'speak' if you like. Remember. We are all here for you.

Kelly said...

Beautiful photographs about a beautiful person. You are beautiful inside and out, Candace. More hugs your way from me and the countless others who care about you.
Maybe if you feel the need, take a break from babies, but don't give up. Is there a specialist you can go to in a few months? I've had friends who have had multiple miscarriages and were devastated but they DID have more children. One doctor told one friend to take baby aspirin every day. It worked! The other prayed and that worked too. There is hope.
Thank you for your honesty, and I honestly think that your luck will change for the better soon. XO

Karen Amanda Hooper said...

My heart goes out to you. Keep fighting. xoxo

Jen Daiker said...

You're amazing. For reals.

I love the pictures. I love the fact that you're pouring your heart out. It shows Candyland not only has a crazy fun super cool side but a down to earth normal sad side as well. We all have different shades of life. I'm just glad you loved us enough to share it.

Keep rockin it sister and know that no matter what you put on this here blog I'll be around (like a bug) tormenting you with my kind hearted super cool unberable love. Cuz that's just the kind of bestie I am.

Kelly Breakey said...

Sometimes pictures can really say it better than words. Great story of you.

Now I am inspired to go home and so one of me.

Lola Sharp said...

First, *hugs*. And more *hugs*. I'm sorry you are going through a rough time.

Writing can definitely be cathartic. So, go there. Write the story of you.
THEN write the story of the new and improved, FIGHTING you.
Because I refuse to believe you have given up the fight.
You have a beautiful daughter and lots to be happy about, to fight for. Giving up is not an option.

Put up your dukes and kick some ass.

Love,
Lola

Slamdunk said...

You are in my prayers Candyland.

Kass said...

You're awesome and so is Jen for recommending you.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Candace...check out this link...http://jennifer-daiker.blogspot.com/2011/01/power-to-inspire.html It might bring a smile to your face. So many people love you!

Expect a phone call from me today...


Hugs!

Em-Musing said...

Yes, fight! The alternative is not an option. At my age (can't believe I just wrote that)I've learned that
life is just plain tough. Moments of happiness are punctuated with heart and gut wrenching sadness. Hang in there. Find what sustains you (for me, it's God) and never give up!

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

Love will get you through this difficult time, so I'm adding mine to the pot. You've been such an inspiration to me, and whether it feels like it or not, this post is full of your magic, too. Nothing truly important is gained without struggle, so whatever lessons and prizes await at then end of these, they will be life-altering -- SOUL-altering. Keep the faith, sister. And know you are loved.

((giant hugs)) ((immeasurable positive eneries)) ((LOVE))
<3 Nicole

....Petty Witter said...

I saw you mentioned on Jen's Unedited site and thought I'd syop by to say hello. Nice to meet you, I've enjyed my visit.

Matthew Rush said...

You have got to be one of the bravest people I don't even know. Your courage to always tell the truth, however embarrassing, hilarious or painful is ... indescribable.

I can't pretend to understand everything you've been through, and I don't imagine you need us to, but one thing I can relate to is your dad. As you know I lost my mom at eleven and then I lost my dad two years ago. One thing I do know is that you won't ever heal from the pain of the loss of your father. The grief never really goes away. But that's okay.

I'm not going to pretend that I don't find myself in a snotty blubbering mess from time to time when I think about the loved ones that I've lost. But some days ARE better than others. Like days when I read something you've written. Somehow you always make me smile even when you make me cry.

It's weird to tell a person that you've never even met that you love them, but I really do Candace.

Anyway enough about me. What do you need? Is there anything I can do to help? Need a pallet pull of fartypants shipped to your house? Want a video of me breakdancing in a too tight muscle t-shirt and zubaz? Want to get together so you can punch Tim in the face?

How you want it I got it. Mad love and respect for you woman.

Carolyn V. said...

It's okay to take a break from the fight because it revs us up for things to come.

You are such an inspiration to so many (especially me). Everybody's said it so much better than I have. I'm so sorry for the difficult time you are having. Just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers.
((hugs)) ((and more hugs))

Dawn said...

My heart hurts for you, darling. I can't say anything better than what Jessica and Matt said above, but I am thinking of you and wishing for even a little of the pain to fade.

Chris Phillips said...

I'm also praying for you. It's been over 20 years since my father died and it is still difficult to think about, but at the end of the day you realize the pain of the loss means you haven't forgotten, and that is a good thing. Those were great pictures. Keep strong.

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

My mantra in life is "This, too, shall pass". So whenever bad things happen, or i'm sad or filled with anxiety or whatever, i just tell myself that it will pass. Not even stone lasts forever.
And when things are good, i tell myself the same thing - so i can try as possible to enjoy the good while it lasts

Elana Johnson said...

Man, I've been gone for a long time. But girl, you have more fight than anyone I know. Take that to the bank. *hugs*

Jamie Burch said...

Sorry for your pain and sadness. My heart goes out to you. Wishing, hoping, and praying that you begin to feel better soon. Sending big hugs and postitive thoughts your way.

Colene Murphy said...

Beautiful pictures.
I know you're down and out of fight and that is okay. Nothing WRONG with that. Can't fight all the time. But I do wish and pray that you will keep your hope alive. Hope for all the things you want, even if you don't feel like you will have it now. Hope for your own peace and happiness because that will come. In some form or another, happiness will come around again. It always does. You are loved, Candace. From all over the world from people you have never "met" you are loved.

Magan said...

Sometimes when I get really sad...I flip on the Jersey Shore. I can only watch about five minutes of it, for obvious reasons, but sometimes it actually gives me hope. I look at these kids and think "If a bunch of slacker kids from the East Coast can have their own TV show, book deals, and other endorsements then why can't I?"

Life does suck...trust me I've been the punching bag all of my life and even when you don't have the fight and even when you just want to scream "NO MAS!" there will always be more. There is always hope.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Those pictures say a lot, don't they? Thanks for sharing them with us, Candace. Whether you think you pour your heart out for you or for us, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you ARE pouring your heart out, rather than sucking it up and bursting from the pain and pressure of it all. You are one of the strongest people I've "met". Hang on, Candace. We're here. We love you. And we'll hold you up until you feel strong enough to do it on your own.

Linda G. said...

*hugs* It's okay to give the fighting a rest now and then. Sometimes if we stop bashing ourselves against the grief, if we just allow it to wash over us quietly, then it passes without doing as much damage to our psyche.

Grief is as much a part of the human condition as joy is. It's part of what makes us US. I wouldn't be the me I am without the grief I've experienced. While I sure wouldn't choose to go through any of it again, neither would I take it out of my soul.

May your grief recede soon, leaving you open to the joy I know is there within you too.

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

I'm exactly like you. I'll say something so from heart, just revealing all, and then feel so guilty about it that I go back and delete it. It's an awful feeling, especialy when the reality is some people won't like you for baring all.

But you can get through this. and lying to ourselves is sometimes crucial for survival.

Melissa Gill said...

I've been thinking about you all day. I keep trying to come up with something really profound to say, but I don't know, life just sucks so bad sometimes. And there's really nothing to do but just gut it out. An hour at a time, or a minute, whatever. But if the support of friends, family, and total strangers help, then you've got it made girl, cause you've got love comin' from all over the world.

In fact, I think you're the George Bailey of the blogging world. (If you haven't seen It's a Wonderful Life lately you should.)

Nicole Zoltack said...

*hug*

What I love about you so much is that you're real. You're fun-loving and crazy and quirky and yet down-to-earth too. We all have our good days and our bad days, and we're all here for you, good bad or in-between.

Katie Mills said...

You didn't lie. Just because you don't feel like any of that will come true doesn't mean it won't. Lemme tell you something- Right now, you don't have to believe in yourself if you don't want to. It's not a magic key. Sometimes I feel like if I don't stay positive and tell myself 'I can do it', than no one else will and I won't ever succeed, like belief alone is a wand that will bring about my deepest desires. Maybe in some cases, that works. But you've got so many people thinking of you right now. And there's power in that too. We believe in you. So go ahead and take a break from optimism if you must. It won't make or break anything. And when you're ready, I know you'll get back up and find a little more hope at the bottom of the bag. Maybe all of our prayers and thoughts will help replenish your stock! At least I hope so!

February Grace said...

My best friend said something to me this past year that I remember many times, every single day. He said basically, 'sometimes, the hardest thing is the fight just to fight'.

It's nothing anyone else can do for you and there is no emotional fast-forward button for grief. People will try to be helpful and tell you to chin up, it'll all work out, etc. etc. all the while we know that sometimes, things don't always work out.

Jessica said it brilliantly- loss of this magnitude is not something that leaves you when you feel as deeply as you feel everything. Some people have the ability to 'get over' almost anything. I' not one of those people, and those losses changed me. Time heals nothing if you don't use it, and that seems to me to be what you're doing. You're feeling your feelings- and that's very important. It may make some people uncomfortable but those who have experienced traumatic loss too will understand, and allow you the freedom go mourn in your way.

My best friend also said something else to me that stays, "If you need to cry, cry, and damn the rest of the world's need to feel comfortable."

Situations like this can sometimes expose that a few friendships may not be as deep as you thought- but the ones you keep will mean the world to you.

Sorry to have gone on so long- just wanted you to know that it's okay. Be beautiful you- just do your best right now to fight to find your fight again.

You know where to find me...
xoxo
~bru

Kelly Dexter said...

Start by believing that it can happen, because really, anything can happen. Then, maybe one day you'll find reason to believe it will happen.

And on the days when belief seems too difficult, remember that there may not always be reason to believe, but there is always reason to hope.

Thanks for sharing your pictures! I love the one of you and hubs on the bench :-)

Yaya' s Home said...

Hi Candace,
What an amazing person you are. I see that I have been a Follower for awhile, but have not stopped by. I apologize for that. I'll be visiting more frequently, from now on.

I jus' want you to know how impressed I am that you are using your moment (yes, I realize it is much more than a moment) of frustration to build hope for others. I am soooo proud of you.

Hang in there. I'll keep you in my prayers.

{{{{{ H - U - G - S }}}}}
~ Yaya

Bee said...

I've come over from Jen Daiker's and you got a beautiful blog going here, Candyland.
I'm thinking of you and praying.

Pk Hrezo said...

Hey Candy! I am so sorry for your loss. I've had many girlfriends who've miscarried and I know how hard it is. ((Big Hugs))
I admire your strength and determination so much. Your blog is such a beacon of light for us--just know we're all here to support you and cheer you on.
This too shall pass...

Rebecca Emin said...

I am so very sorry for everything you have gone through and the way you are feeling right now. I hope that time will make things easier to cope with and I hope that happier times are ahead for you.

Susan Fields said...

I am so sorry to hear your devastating news, Candyland. Please don't stop trying to make another baby, because when you do, that baby will be so blessed and loved. Big hugs to you and your family!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

From the posts I've seen across the internet, you have a lot of friends and supporters, Candace.

Natalie Aguirre said...

I know the low times too. Sometimes I go through stages where I think of giving up writing every day. But I don't because I love it.

Yes, there are sad things in life like not getting pregnant (I couldn't at all and adopted) and loss of love ones (I lost my dad and my younger sister), but life goes on and we all have wonderful other parts of it to sustain us. Though we may go through it differently because of the hard things in our life. Hang in there.

Theresa Milstein said...

I just came over from Jessica's blog. I hope that in some small way the blog love you receive helps somewhat. And I hope you have a bunch of in-person friends and family to rely on now. Take care.

If I can help in any way, please e-mail tmilstein at gmail dot com.

Christine Danek said...

I know this is a hard time for you and I pray. I pray that things will turn for the better for you. I know in my heart they will. It's weird what life throws at us and I sometimes wonder...why. To make us stronger, to see if we can survive? I dunno. I wish I did.
I'm thinking of you and if you need anything please email me
christine(dot)danek(at)verizon(dot)net.

(hugs) Take Care,
Christine

Susanne Drazic said...

Hi Candace. I found your blog through our mutual blogger friend, Lenny. I'm sorry for what you are going through right now. Stay strong, stay positive.

Laura Pauling said...

I think it's normal to not feel the fight at times. But it will return. Writing the story of you sounds like a good idea - a way to find closure/healing...etc.