Monday, October 31, 2011

Your house is your home is your dumpster fire

So...

I'm totally still sporting maternity pants because THEY'RE SO FLUFFY stretchy. In fact, because of the pregnancy water loss (a total of 27.5 lbs in 3 weeks), they make me feel like a size 0 (though I have 30 lbs of real weight to drop...boooo). Yeah, it's a little narcissistic, but every time I squeeze my butter into a smaller tub[of normal people pants], I end up crying over ice cream while listening to 90's cryfest songs.

Something by Sarah McLachlan, I'm sure (oh, summer of 1998, you and Zach [you know who] kill me).

Don't even get me started on the higher half of my hot bod. I'm stuck wearing all the hubs's tees. Even offspring #1 is tired of seeing that big, black Chicago tourist tee with baby pieces all over it. No one tells you the horror you're left with AFTER a baby. Pregnancy is gross. Like "yeah I'm gassy, and my hands look like Walter Cronkite and I taste metal in my mouth for no reason..."

But the aftermath is worse.

OMG.

What is this hanging from my stomach? Why do I have this weird rash? Am I dying (hair falling out)? Is it me, or is that coffee commercial the saddest thing you've ever seen? What day is it? Who's Matt Brady?

GASP!

The good news is, I can see my toes again. The bad news is, they're sick. Not sick the way the hubs would use it (as in "that snowboard dude I'm totally friend-crushing on is so sick"), but sick as in they make me want to projectile vomit. It's funny how things that seem important, like taking care of one's self, don't matter at all when you've got someone in utero. Then this little person comes out and you're left with a messy, empty house the last tenant didn't take care of so you think about filing a lawsuit to pay for damages (tummy tuck, tap repair (i.e.boobies), wax stripping (what?), etc) but then you realize the former tenant can't pay and it'd come out of your wallet until he's [legally] able to pull from his strip club ones to help a sister (mother) out.

So, you forfeit, and throw on that black Chicago tee with your stretchy pants and grab another bowl of ice cream because this house needs condemned.

Dear Bert I'm so tired. And I've had too much coffee.  Or not enough. And I wonder how many people it would take to link arms and reach all the way around the world. And how does Santa get to everyone's houses in just one night? Hrmmm...

Tell me friends, what's the singles most indulgent renovation you do to make yourself feel like a brand new house?

CandylandCandylandCandyland<---Say it three times and I'll appear in your bathroom behind you...probably cleaning it.


OUT.

17 comments:

Linda G. said...

CandylandCandylandCandyland...

(What? My bathroom really needs cleaning.)

My favorite "renovation"? Hair. If I can get the hair looking halfway decent (not always easy), I feel way better.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

When I came home with my third child, child #1 looked at me and announced, "But mommy, you're still fat!" (Yes, he's a boy).

My big yay moment was when I was able to fit into my husband's jeans. The bigger yay moment was when they were too big for me. :D

vic caswell (aspiring-x) said...

eyeliner is my cheapest fastest way to feel better renovation. and hair dye... that's another thing the kiddos do! make you go grey in your twenties! :)

i STILL have bay weight i need to lose... my youngest is five. i think i've hit the statute of limitations on that excuse! eep!

salarsenッ said...

No, no one tells you the horror of 'after' childbirth. If anyone did, no one would EVER have a little me or him or her or you.

Feel better, chicky.

Dawn Ius said...

I'm looking for my instant feel good today, too. Thinking about chopping off the hair! :-)

Feel better. And Happy Halloween. I'm 100% confident you look gorgeous...as always.

Magan said...

Oh I feel you! One of my husband's friend's wife posted something on facebook saying, 'Finally fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans and it only took three months.' I gagged and then decided that I love my daughter more than I love going to the gym. I also love maternity yoga pants.

Creepy Query Girl said...

I tend to feel like an old house with new shutters when I finally get around to coloring my roots. I go that extra step sometimes and slap on moisterizing sunless tanner and repaint my toenails.

Sue Z. Homewrecker said...

After I had Nollie, I was furious. I felt I had been mislead, though mostly by my self, into believing that my belly would be at least somewhat back to normal upon leaving the hospital. I accused the doctor of leaving some of her in me. I tried to convince a nurse that I was checked in for complications in my 2nd pregnancy and that I was 7 months into it and I cursed my placenta for not weighing more upon its escape.

My weight fluctuates like crazy. Up and down faster than I thought possible for others.... So, often my jeans push parts of my midsection up and over the waistline. As a result, I stick to dresses. ESPECIALLY baby doll cut dresses, as they mask and comfort the torso.

Also, if I need a quick pick me up, I like to listen to a love song while I clean and pretend my cleaning is merely acting in a video shoot where I am playing the role of whom the singer croons over.

Pathetic, perhaps, but that little gem has been working for me since 6th grade.

Love your blog and your face and your babies' faces and your way with words.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

My #1 way is my hair. I keep it permed because I always feel prettier that way, and when I need a big pick-me-up, I get highlights. :-)

Talli Roland said...

Well, at least you're blogging... :)

Hm, I'm pretty vain about my hair. I'll let all else go to waste, but not my hair!

Southpaw said...

Wait, I thought it was suppose to be wonderful with cherries and snowflakes. I don't believe this Halloween Horror story. ;)

Elana Johnson said...

A pedicure. Everyone should get one every six weeks. They make your feet feel like a million bucks.

Brianna said...

It's funny how things that seem important, like taking care of one's self, don't matter at all when you've got someone in utero.
Exactly!

This sounds exactly like my pregnancy. So far there hasn't been a second. I'm struggling with the desire for another child and the fear of nine months of exhaustion and sickness followed by postpartum depression, which lasted a year the first time, - basically 2 years of misery. It's a hard commitment to make now that I know what I'm in for.

Enough about me! :)

Your hot body will be back! Give it some time.

Nicole Zoltack said...

I'm still growing a baby. I've decided to stop going on the scale. I hate waiting the numbers climb. I know it's necessary and a good thing because it means baby's growing but still.

Matthew MacNish said...

Thank you for being the bestest person ever born.

I can't decide if I would remove all extraneous body hair, or all the fat hanging from places it shouldn't.

And we have 7 billion people in the world now. I'm sure they could make a chain all the way around it.

Donna Shields said...

It's gotta be my hair. A fresh new do and some serious hair coloring works wonders for my spirits.

Shannon Lawrence said...

When I'm desperately in need, a change is what helps me along. And the easiest thing to change is my hair. I recently chopped it all off and it felt great! Good luck with your "renovations."

Tina @ Life is Good
and I are joining forces in a followup A to Z challenge. We're going to visit and comment at each of the original A to Z participants, and we hope you'll join us!

Shannon @ The Warrior Muse