Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Ice skating is what the devil does when Hell gets too hot

Let me be clear: A foot was never meant to stand on a single blade for the sole purpose of skimming across a solid, icy surface. Actually, when I say it like that, it's even more dumb aloud. So that's why the hubs, offspring #1 and I went ice skating downtown last weekend. It sounded like a GREAT idea.

"Hey, child. Look out the window. It's raining a wintry mist that freezes mid-air. It has to be too cold to do anything out there. Soooo...let's get our coats and go ice skating."

Granted, my daughter and husband loved it. She held onto the side railing (as did I) with a smile on her face (I did not) while he spun across the glistening sheet of ice like a snow angel. I know this may come as a shock, but I am not graceful. I was not born with grace. It's not a trait that runs in the family. And any grace I might have had was lost in the childbirth process. It was all downhill from there. I knew this for sure once the hubs let go of my arm and left me in a place with no rail to guide me.

And I fell on my keester.


And you know that feeling when you think everyone around you is laughing--at you? That totally happened. When you think of someone falling in a movie, you imagine them having the time of their lives. You know, like on a cute, first date or some stupid shizz.

This was not the way it happened for us. It was more like I looked up, because a strange man asked if I was okay, while my dear husband and child skated away, never having witnessed the fall at all. That was the moment I realized my dream of making it into the Olympics would probably have to wait.
As for ice skating...I will not let you win. I won't. I won't.

Actually, I probably will.

Until the next [mis]adventure...

What's the one holiday activity/event that mocks and belittles you?

CandylandHoHoHo. OUT.

Photo cred via


Matthew MacNish said...

How is this possible? This post says it went up yesterday, but I was here yesterday, and it wasn't here.

The devil is effing with me.

Anyway, I hate ice skating. I moved to Minnesota when I was 11, and everybody was like amazing ice skaters. I was not, and I hated them for it.

In other news, Madison had a birthday party to go to last weekend, and the parents had the bright idea to hold it at the roller rink. She made me skate with her. I did not fall down.

Suzie F. said...

Aw, poor you! Is it wrong that I lmao while reading your post? It's too early for that btw. Anyway, don't give up on skating. Once you practice a bit and can balance, it's the closest feeling to flying. I love it!

Have a good one!

vic caswell (aspiring-x) said...

yeah. it's too cold to go outside, now. sounds like a daddy/daughter special time bonding opportunity if i ever heard of one!

Nicole Zoltack said...

Ice skating I can somewhat do. Haven't tried skiing or snowboarding or anything like that. Hubby likes to ski though.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

SINGING. I cannot sing. At all. SOOOOOO humiliating. :-)

Len Lambert said...

Candace, I cannot skate. I cannot ride the bike. I cannot sing. I cannot swim. I'm so boring!!!!!! LOLOL!!!!

Kelly Polark said...

I'm a terrible ice skater AND roller skater. And I don't like the cold so ice skating is totally out for me.
But sometimes you do things like that for the kiddos!
Good to see you in blogland!

maine character said...

As a kid I used those double-bladed ones, so I could walk around okay, but the single-bladed ones were only good for sitting on a log and hacking a deep hole in the ice (not recommended for public rinks).

Claire Dawn said...

Me and snowboarding = exact same thing.

My old Boat Captain used to say people were not meant to live north of I-10. I believe it.

Matthew MacNish said...

More, please.

Kelly Breakey said...

You? Not Graceful? Is the world ending?