Friday, August 6, 2010

Feel me up Friday Awards: Farty gets the party starty

I'd love to start your Friday with something superawesome or fantastmically intelligent. You know, the kind of shizz that blows your mind. But if you know me, that's not what I do around here. In fact, what I'm about to say is everything opposite of superawesome and fantasmically intelligent. I was perusing the web of knowledge, hoping to become, yaaaknow-inspired, when I came across an article of "gross facts you may have never wanted to know." They weren't that bad, but one had me LOLing for about twenty minutes.
"They actually make special underwear for people who pass gas a lot. They are called Fartypants." 
So, yeah. I know what you're thinking. "Candyland, you're retarded. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head and it canNOT be true. Fartypants are real (unfortunately). So if you, or someone you love has a problem with flatulence (I'm not directly speaking to you, hubs, but...yaaknow), Fartypants would make the perfect Christmas, birthday, or "hey, your butt stinks" gift. *giggles like the immature child I really am*

Random Fact: I brush my teeth approximately six times a day. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm mildly obsessive (pffft-crazy, I know) and they're NEVER white enough. I want my mouth to blind people with it's brilliance. An unattainable goal, but I'll keep at it until they at least sparkle continuously when I'm in the sun.

Random Fact: You know about my mad crushes on Bert and Brady, but you don't know about my somewhat embarrassing "thing" for (Deadliest Catch) Captain Sig Hansen. I can't figure out what it is. Maybe the dimples or the way he talks (the old smoker's rasp) or because he does like, I don't know, MANLY-MAN work. There isn't anything there I'd normally be, uhh into. Whatever it is, I don't effing know what it means for Bert...or Brady. But I don't think they need to be worried (except for my ever-evolving taste in men...geez).

I just wasn't into the feel up today. Maybe we needed a little more foreplay this week since mourning the loss of my contest. I know, you tried your damnedest and you worked really hard at making me feel better, but my mind kept wandering. Maybe this time next week, it'll be back to normal and these naughty interactions will make me feel like they should: satisfied and guilty for enjoying it.

If you get a sec, there's a supercool lady having a supercool contest to support a supercool cause, and you know I love me some good cause contests (oh I Heart Joy Like BR80, how I miss thee...). So, go check her out HERE. Also, my a-hole cat, Fim, has a Twitter account because that egotistical. Follow him at @Fimthecat. Or don't, whatev.

Until Monday, peeps, would you buy Fartypants? Better yet, ever have an unexplainable crush?
Candyland. OUT.


Linda G. said...

Oh. My. Gawd. Fartypants? And they're for real? *giggles uncontrollably* It takes a lot to make me laugh this hard so early in the morning, but you've managed. Thanks! :)

Matthew MacNish said...

Those have to be made by the Japanese. That's not a racist statement either. All things Japanese are awesome.

When they say "thank you" in Japanese, it sounds like they're saying "don't touch my mustache".

Lola Sharp said...

I don't understand how the farty pants work...the smell would still come out. If the person has a problem with 'wet' farts, then I can see this being effective.

I have crushes on so many men (aside from my handsome and brilliant husband, whom I adore), last night I was crushing on Jason Stathum while watching that deathrace movie. Obvs, he isn't unexplainable...he's hot. Even in his bad movies, he's hot.

HAPPY Friday, Candy! (don't make me sing like iggy pop to cheer you up) (candy candy candy I still love you sooooo)


Patty Blount said...

Well, my Christmas shopping list is already in good shape, thanks, Candyland!

*shakes head* Who'd have thought such things were possible?

I have a crush and it's kind of hard to explain. In '07, I created a romantic lead. He's British, tall, incredibly handsome (naturally) and oh so sad until he meets my heroine.

I know it's entirely normal to crush on your own characters. But a few months after I finished writing the MS, I happened to be flipping channels one night and caught a glimpse of HIM! My character, in the flesh.

Turns out it was actor Gilles Marini on Dancing with the Stars. OK, he's not British. But give him hair long enough to tie in a pony tail and he IS Jin-Thomas Clarke.


I've had a mad, insatiable crush on the man ever since.

Creepy Query Girl said...

I'm with Lola. How do farty pants contain the smell? Is there a diffuser as they pass through the material? I LOVE deadliest catch. I get to watch it on a channel called 'Planet No Limit' (its what you get when french try to sound english) dubbed over in french two seasons late:)

Jessica Lemmon said...

Unexplainable crush: Kurt Russell. Yeah, I don't know *shrug* it just IS.

Unknown said...

Fartypants!? Oh, actually, I know someone that needs one. Thank you for your extended research.

Summer Frey said...

I'm more concerned about the silhouette fartypants look to make. I mean, that looks pretty clunky.

Not sure I have any inexplicable crushes...though I'm with Lola on Jason Statham.

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

hahahahahaha - fartypants??? That is hilarious.

Jaydee Morgan said...

It's amazing on what you will find if you search the Net long enough. Not only is that picture disturbing (and the reason for them) but look at the size of those things!

You could be right about it being the manly-man work they do on Deadiliest Catch. Sig's a good choice but I'll take Jonathon ;)

Stina said...

What I need is something to end the fart jokes from my 8 and 10 year olds. Now that would be great!

Dawn Ius said...

Gasp! I know JUST who to buy those farty pants for!
I understand about the whole manly-man thing - my hub is a construction worker and I'm sure that's one of the reasons I love him. lol Have an awesome weekend!

Anonymous said...

I still can't believe those are real. They sound like something out of one of those fake Saturday Night Live commercials.

As for crushes, I've always a thing for Jeremy Irons and John Malkovich. I can't really put my finger on the why.

Kelly Breakey said...

I already know who I am getting these for. I love visiting with you because I always get such useful information.

Amie Borst said...

ROFLMAO - weren't those things on SNL?

Kelly Polark said...

Fartypants are lookin' stylish!
I think there's a panty insert you wear in your undies too that when you pass gas, it doesn't smell! My mil was thinking of getting it for her mom who is notorious for stinky toots! :)

Lenny Lee said...

hi miss candace! you got me laughing so hard about those farty pants. i showed my brothers and now we got everyone laughing. what happens when they get full up of gas? you gotta go outside and loose a rear end flap and ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
but you gotta be careful you dont take off like a rocket. ha ha. and for sure dont light a match. ha ha ha. i hope you have a really nice weekend.
...biggy hugs from lenny

S.A. Larsenッ said...

I've actually heard of the fart pants. I think, for a girl who lives with four guys, I should get free pairs for them. Just sayin'

Hey, got my T today!!

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I have to know how they work...Do they have a motion detector in them that senses the release of gases that causes the release of an air freshener?????

Crushes. Yep. Charlie Sheen. Yep. I said Charlie Sheen. Now I'm blushing and hiding my head in shame...

You have a good one too!

Angela McCallister said...

OMG! How did you KNOW??? I need these so much for my guys in the shop. It's awful being contained in a tiny space on a little ship with poor ventilation inside with a bunch of working-out, protein-shake drinking, energy bar eating, supplement-chugging boys who, for some ungodly reason, won't let me put a tampon in their stinky rears.

I know what they're getting for Xmas...

PS-check out this soap for sh**s and giggles!

LR said...

That's really funny! I wonder if those pants can explode if too much gas gets trapped in them.

Susan Fields said...

As the mother of a rather gassy child, I can tell you that Fartypants would definitely come in handy at times!

Erin Kane Spock said...

I had (have) a huge crush on David Bowie. Whenever I actually see him, I wonder why. Then I hear his music and get all hot and bothered. I still stand behind him being hot in Labyrinth.

I would not buy fartypants. I would buy Beano. BTW, my 4 year old announced, after a pretty impressive passing of gas, that she was a stinker machine. Yes, yes she is.

I love your blog. It makes me happy.

LTM said...

you are so fulla crap. Fartypants. BAH!!! :D

and oh, lord. I saw Adrien Brody on Martha Stewart a year ago and developed this crazy crush. I was all *red face* I've got a crush on A.B. Then a friend of mine goes, ME TOO!!! and I felt less strange... ;p

Unknown said...

I'm so disturbed by these fartypants, they give me the creeps... seriously.

I have a crush on Justin Long, there is something cute and geeky about him that I like... I don't tell anyone because they make fun but I can't help myself. Also I have a crush on Joe Dubois (his name in Medium) he's just such a hunk!

PS - Check out my blog tomorrow (PRETTY PLEASE) I have something called the Informal Book Club that you might want to be a part of (I HOPE!)

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Ugh ... well, maybe I shouldn't have read this post (and the comments) over breakfast.

But the picture of the fartypants won't load. Should I wait any longer? Maybe not.

Vicki Rocho said...

I want you to know that Fartypants were my idea. Yup. WAY back in oh I think it was 6th grade I wrote about "Fart Filters" little pleasantly scented inserts for your the gas escaped one's buttocks, it would activate the more appealing fragrance from the filter.

So, yup. This was my idea. As was cassette singles (remember those) and remote controlled radios and...well, lots of others.