Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A is for A$$...

Dudes, I've surpassed 300 friends. This is monumental. I'm gonna cook you dinner. Bottle of wine? Chocolates, flowers, weird sex toys-whatever you want. Thanks for reading my crap. Today, yesterday, every freaking day. Seriously each and every one of you new and old (not as in age), thank you.

Sooooo, in keeping in line with more "keep your blog awesome" tips, I've got more useless info for your beautiful blue/green/brown/hazel eyes but before I start, 2 actual tips:
*Turn off word verification before I smash my computer against the wall for getting it wrong for the 10th effing time.
*If you change your settings so your email is connected when you comment, you'll actually hear back from me! If your email isn't attached, I don't respond via comments, so it's like you're doing all the work and no one likes that. I'm not rude, I promise!

Moving on...

 Candyland's ABC's of TOTAL BLOG ANTI-SUCKAGE.
A~Ass is your friend. Always use at least one mother f@cking curse word in every post. It'll keep readers on their toes.
B~Begin paragraphs with "Uhhh" and "Ummm." It sounds like you know what you're talking about.
C~Create stupid catch phrases that becomes your signature.

D~Don't ever tell your followers random facts about yourself. They will use them against you at some point.
E~Eat foods that crumble all over your keyboard when typing. It's fun trying to get them out.
F~Forget all your real friends. Only talk to bloggers. And New Medicine fans. Yeah.

G~Gain new followers by not sucking.
H~Have contests and then say "Psyche! No prizes, biotches!"
I~Ignore your children. You raised them for 9 months pre-birth. That's enough.

J~Joke about inappropriate things that only appeal to a small percentage of people.
K~Kill your social life.Say bye-bye to it. Seriously.
L~Learn to post about things that don't matter.

M~Make enemies. Not everyone should like you.
N~New Medicine. Because I can.
O~Open your post with a double OO. Not like eyes, but boobage.

P~Party like it's 1999, and then be too tired to post about it.
Q~Query your heart out but dis all agent rejections publicly.
R~Remember to thank your cat, everyday. 

S~Sell your soul, your morals and anything you have to. Popularity isn't free.
T~Tell your mother she was wrong and you do have a future in writing. Lie to her.
U~Understand that everyone *must* love your blog, or you've failed.

V~Virtual sex is not only encouraged between bloggers but I think it's mandatory. Or did I tell it wrong?...
W~Wait until you've blogged for over a year to tell anyone. They'll ream you less way after the fact.
X~X blows.

Y~Yell at your hubs or wifey to get to cookin' and cleanin' because you're busy doin shizz.
Z~Zombies, vampires, werewolves and mermen are people too. Don't hate.

So, friends, What would your A, B, and C be of writing? And more importantly, what color are you eyes? 
Candyland. OUT.
*Disclaimer: These are meant to be satirical, unless you live your life this way. In which case, get on with your bad self.

47 comments:

Renae said...

Congrats on the 300+ followers! This post is hilarious. I'm the only one up and I'm trying not to laugh too loud and wake up the rest of the house! So glad I'm not the only one that screws up the word verification!

Jessica Carmen Bell said...

bhahbhaaha, you've just brightened my day!!!! You had me laughing out loud, LUV! ;o) "You raised them 9 month pre-birth" Classic!

Wow. congrats on the followers! I'm just four away from three hundred. Got any you can send over? ;o) Mwah!!!!

Vicki Rocho said...

Ummmm...I'm SUCH a dolt that I've been replying to ALL comments via email even though some of them clearly said "no reply". I don't know why except that I'm not always very bright.

LOVED your list. Shhh on the virtual sex thing, hubs will be bloggin all over the place, hahaha

salarsenッ said...

You are so awesome. Love the list, and high five for attaching your email to your blogger profile. I've had so many wonderful people comment and then I can't respond to them.

Dawn said...

300+ followers AND a hilarious post? You're too much Candy...TOO much :-) Seriously, though, you do rock and I luvs ya - from the depths of my blue eyes...

Francine said...

Hi,

Hilarious post!

Must admit word verification can be a pig sometimes, but not all blogs require it if you're on the same blog network!

best
F

Jen said...

Your over the top blog always keeps me on my toes. 300+ followers, your in the big leagues, so put your sexy big girl panties and grab a bat, your up and everyone is waiting for the awesome.

Who wouldn't love the drug induced coma we receive while visiting your blog.

Oh and Haters Gonna Hate but I totally thank my cat everyday! It's our thing!

BTW - While reading my comments, I'm beginning to realize I'm nuts. Yes, I know, I just realized it.

Jen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jared Larson said...

That's the tightest ABC list ever. Hilarious! It's a relief to know that every single word of it's true. Your wisdom is beyond me.

Summer said...

Ha! I love it. Especially the curse word advice. I've been trying to keep that one up lately...

Signed, Green Eyes

Matthew Rush said...

OMG I can't breathe and I think Tim just peed a little. You're always funny, but this is beyond normal. Are you high this morning?

Also, we may have to start an anti word verification cult. I was on a new blog this morning where it kept reloading the WV and losing my long ass, brilliant, intelligent, witty and remarkable comment. I soon gave up and left.

Summer Ross said...

my eyes are brown---
Great post. Sorry I have to keep my e-mail private- as in off my profile due to a bad man who stalks me, and word verification hmmm I guess I could turn it off and just leave the approval on- I'll try it and see if I can- if not- well I have to approve every message :) I'm a stickler for that...being safe is important to me and keeping my readers safe from my reality is important to me. :)

Kelly said...

Uhhh, such wonderful crazy ass advice! Good idea on the word verification dealio. I will turn mine off today. Gives my bloggy friends some more time to themselves. I'll be thoughtful like that.
Congrats on 300!

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

ΘΘ Hilarious! Thanks for the laughs. Huge congrats on surpassing 300 followers -- your ABC's are working for ya :D

Brown-eyed girl, out.

:))

aspiring_x said...

lie to her!! LOL!

congrats on the bajillions of followers! that's a buncha people to hear about new meds, ghana, and hope!

green.

Katherine C said...

Congrats on the 300+ followers!

Linda G. said...

Congrats on surpassing 300 friends! :)

Also, thanks for yet another wonderful laugh. I'm going to go turn off word verification now, and see what happens. Perhaps, contrary to rumors, my blog WON'T explode.

Patti said...

Congrats on the followers. I know what you mean about word verification. I hate it when it pops up after you've made the comment.

And I've been told my eyes are a swampy color.

KarenG said...

Omigosh this is so funny. I totally agree with you on word verif. And I don't like comment moderation either because for some sick reason I like to read my comment after I write it. I love that you respond to comments via emails. It makes us friends. I haven't tried that yet. I'm afraid it would take too long so I respond kind of half hazardly on posts. On one of the blogs I read this weekend I SAW YOUR FACE!!

Patti Struble said...

Had to start breathing again before I could respond. Right now, eyes are a watery green.
Selling your soul - what's the going price for writer souls these days.
HY-sterical! Thanks Candy.
Patti Struble

Laura Lofgreen said...

E is for energy. Your energy is seriously amazing. Is fun your middle name. Good luck on the YA. I'm sure its a blast.

Janet Johnson said...

Blue . . . or not, so my son tells me.

M - Make them laugh. With you I mean, with you. Definitely not AT you. ;)

And congrats on 300+! So awesome.

Talli Roland said...

Love this! Hahahhaa!

You cracked it!

Congrats on all the followers. You definitely deserve it - I love reading your posts.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Oops! I was eating my lunch while reading this. Never mind crumbs on my keyboard. I'm most choked laughing. (Note to self: never read Candace's blog while eating or drinking!)

Lenny Lee! said...

hi miss candace! for my eyes i dont know cause i got on my cool new hot wheels sunglasses with the flames on the side. :) wow i could never do a a-z list that so funny like yours. im gonna follow your tips for sure. ha ha. did i tell you my brothers love your blog and look at it every day. jason says you could be one of those stand up commedians. i could see you on the tv. wow that could be sooo neat.
...laughs and big hugs from lenny

Robyn Campbell said...

Uhhh, ummm, hazel eyes here and I love this post. You are the coolest of the cool cats. ;)

Was that considered sucking? hehe

I raised them suckers for 9 months pre-birth. AMEN.

Remember to also thank your horses every day. :) And you ARE my social life.

Congrats on all those well-deserved followers. Oh, and I'll take wine and chocolate, please. :)

PS: I hate word verification junk. HATE IT!

Anne said...

Blue! Do I have word verification on? I'll have to check. <3 this list!

Anne said...

Oh no! I did! Sorry :/

Mara Nash said...

Congrats on the milestone. And I love the alphabetic list...made my day!

Jennifer Shirk said...

LOL and congrats on 300 followers!!

PS my eyes are green :)

Riv Re said...

Congrats on the 300! Sooo right about the e-mail thing! I always wonder if I should respond with a comment on their blog XD
My eyes are chocolate-brown-turn-black-when-I'm-mad. (Isn't that sooo cool?)
I'll take chocolate for dinner!
~Always be random. It throws your readers off-guard
~Because I said so. Tell them stuff without a good reason.
~Comment on other blogs.
~Demand your readers attention. Because they'll totally listen to you.
~Enter into the world of real people. But only, like, 1 time a year. The rest of the time, your bloggy buds will take care of you.
~Funny. Be funny and entertaining, or just link to Candyland!
...
~Pay it forward and link to Candyland!
...
~Zees is the best I could do!

Falen (Sarah) said...

straight up, i absolutely LOVE the swearing in your posts. It inspires me to swear more in my blog (which i swear a lot in real life, so you've inspired me to be more me)

Justine Dell said...

And here I thought I couldn't love you more. I was wrong. ;-)

~JD

Justine Dell said...

Oh ... brown. :o)

N. R. Williams said...

My eyes are gray-blue. As for the rest, I can't think no more.
Nancy
N. R. Williams, fantasy author

Amanda Sablan said...

Psyche, no prizes!!! All right, if you think I should...

Hilarious. You've got yourself a new follower. ;]

And congratulations on 318! That's impressive.

Kelly Dexter said...

Congrats on the hugely awesome number of followers. A blog this entertaining should be read by all.

L-O-V-E this list! C, J, R and V are my favorites.

Also, green, since you asked.

LTM said...

OK, well sh!t. I'm using word verification b/c I keep getting spam comments--and it's like freaky stuff~

I'll take A, C, K, X and Y for $500. Oh, and Z.

what?

Connie said...

Blue eyes.

Congrats on 320 followers.

Carolyn V. said...

Uhhh. Ummm. Awesome. =) Congrats on the 300! Sweet!

DL Hammons said...

I'm batting my fucking hazel eyes at you! Just following orders. :)

Julie Musil said...

LOVED your list. Especially the only talk with blogging friends and turn off that verify thingy.

About the cussing, I just can't! Mom used to wash my mouth out with soap, and it stuck with me. Therapy anyone?

Melissa said...

Congrats on the 300+ Reading this post I am SERIOUSLY sure you deserve it and so much more. This is absolutely hilarious. Gosh. I needed this after a long day at school. Thank you.

Jeff King said...

ROCK ON!!!

Jo Schaffer said...

Haah! Rad! (;
Congrats on the awesomeness.

Samantha Vérant said...

A= Alcohol. Lots of it.

B= Brown nosing. Why not kiss some ass some times? Right? Or this could be my catch phrase opp. What about using bon chance, biatches when I have my prizeless contest. (I can always blame customs b/c I've just moved to France).

C= Coffee. What I drink when I work.

My eyes are blue, with a gold sunburst around the pupil. Sometimes they look green.


That's all I've got. And I bait my followers with it.

Carrie said...

Congrats on 300 followers.