Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Candyland says: Get your sh!t together or find my socks

Moving can suck my ass (among other things) (though, the more I think of it, I'd rather nothing suck my ass) (maybe a colon cleanse) (no, that's gross. Not even a colon cleanse.) Let's start over.

Moving can shove it (shove what....) Anyway...

For two solid days straight, we did the damn thang. Before sunrise to waaaayyyy after sundown it sucked the life from me, the hubs and our darling offspring, though I promised myself I wouldn't get all "listen to my moving story" on you, so thats that. Plus, I have way more important issues to address. Like socks. 

Where. Does. Half. Of. Each. Pair. Go. When. I. Launder. The. Little. Bastards?

And my toilet phone. The keys have taken some major hits, and instead of typing what I *want* to say, they say what they *think* I should say. Like when Candyland *wants to effing say "I'll C U later," the C magically becomes F and changes the whole effing meaning. Not cool, toilet phone. Not cool.

No seriously. Blogging. Keeping within the spirit of what I've seen over the last few days, I want to give you some "yay you" tips for gaining new followers and maintaining a fresh, sparkly blog. The Candyland way.

Tips for being one of the coolest least picked on kids on the block:
~Don't be a dbag. It's a lot harder than it sounds. I've been one on many occasions, but when I blog about it, I try to leave out all the major MAJOR major dbag baggage. Blogs should be d-bag-free. People like people who are real, people. Be yourself, NOT her or that one over there. If youre not unique and not you, you're a dbag (sometimes Candyland has to dole out tough love) (It's for your own good. Promise). Not sure what this means? Read GUTS AND THE DBAG INCIDENT OF '07.

~Get to the point. Sure, I tend to ramble on and on and on and on and (omg shut up, CL) about the delicious, delightful, insightful, compassionate, (insert more and more fabulous words) about peeps like Matt BR80. BUT, my blog has a purpose. I think. Does it? Maybe it doesn't. Who knows. There are some blog posts that are the length of my offspring and honestly, I don't have the time or attention span to...hey what's that over there?

~Lose some weight. Like all the gadgets and music players and this and that and map of the world and key to the golden treasure and family tree. They clutter up all your biznass and it burns my eyes. I want to see your words. Don't take away from the beauty of that.

~Be as loverly to your commenters/followers as they are to you. Basically, do unto others, and all that crap.

~Givegivegive and you shall receive. In the blog world, in life...because were all just people, dudes. People, looking to connect with other people. And that's a beautiful thing. Speaking of (PLUGS <3), hop over to Sheri's blog to sign up for the coolest of blog fests, and a big thanks to Karen G for hosting an amazing virtual BBQ!!!Woo for new peeps!

Be kind, not rude. Be real, never ever fake. Be honest, don't hide. Be humble, not boastful. Be mine. Because I'm in love with every single one of you. Honestly. More than BR80 (shhhh...don't tell him).

So there you have it. Follow these tips and get about 298 followers in no time (9 months), and 298 friends for life. Now, off to find the runaway laundry while I throw my phone in time out.
Until tomorrow, friends, if you could move one more time, where would it be? And would you say it can suck your ass?

36 comments:

Anne said...

I hope I never ever have to move again. (unless I win a gazillion dollars of course)

Congrats on almost 300!

Jessica Carmen Bell said...

LOL I never want to move again. If I had Samantha's nose I would though ;o) I'd live in ten different countries at once!

Jen said...

I'm about to move, well I still have about two months to go but I'd like it to be the last until I move into a house. If I could move anywhere it would be Hawaii, then again I would also like to have all my books published by the end of the year...

Let's just say my reality isn't as exciting as my imagination.

Michelle said...

If a sparkling new *furnished to my specifications* house with a mustang in the driveway was waiting on the other end for me, I'd move. The ass sucking not so much, unless it was a deal breaker... then mayyyyyybe.

Thanks for the tips on your awesomeness. :)

Summer Ross said...

I think dryer fairies steal socks...I havn't yet learned what they use them for - but I'm sure they have a reason!

If I had to move again- yeah- I just want a bigger house in the same town.

Jaydee Morgan said...

I hear you on the moving thing. I'm hoping we only have one more move in our future.

And yes, I'm always losing socks in the dryer!

Kelly said...

There is a possibility we may move in the future. I just hope it's in a three hour radius of where I am now.
I hope you are enjoying your new home!
And the socks. I KNOW! I just threw away about thirty lonely socks with no pair that I've kept for ten years. They needed to realize that their mates weren't coming back. Tough love.
I love "Do unto others and all that crap." :)

Matthew Rush said...

Candace you say 300? You rule. Well said Bethany. These are words to live by.

Renae said...

Well said Candace! If I ever have to move again it will not be until I can afford to pay movers to do it for me!

JW said...

Hello. Just stopping by to thank you for the nice comment on my blog and for following. Looks like I am number 301 at your blog, surely a prize comes with that esteemed placing? :) I appreciate your candor and advise. Enjoy the day, Janelle

Summer said...

And the weirdest part is that when you do move, those missing socks never turn up. What the Eff.

I'm going to be moving a few more times in my life, I know. I actually just moved in March, and it totally sucked my ass. All moving sucks my ass, so I feel your pain. Hopefully I've got a couple years before we up-and-at'm, but we'll see...

Kelly Breakey said...

Great tips. But of course I expect nothing less from you. Keep up the good work. BTW I got my CD and I freaking love it. Little sister is my fav so far, but I Have only listened to it 1000 times so maybe another song will jump our at me and become my fav, I will let you know. Thanks again for turning me onto to some great new music.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

I love the way you do things! Great tips - and delivered as only Candyland can do!! :-)

Falen (Sarah) said...

i used to think the missing sock thing was just a lot of people misplacing socks until i started to do my own laundry. I'm a pretty organized person, and yet, those mother effing socks still disappear on me.
W.T.F.?

Talli Roland said...

I hate moving! This is the longest I've lived in one city since I was 18 and I'm LOVE London. But if I had to move, it would be to either Belleville or the Marais in Paris - or Barceloneta in Barcelona.

If I *had* to.

Thank you for the tips! :)

Theresa Milstein said...

I'm sorry about the sock fiasco. I have a bag in my bedroom with unmatched socks. It's the gnomes, I'm sure, but I never catch them in the act!

And moving - ugh. For years, I moved every year or two, but now I've been in the same place for nearly 7 1/2 years. I'll have to move sometimes soon. Not looking forward to the packing and unpacking. When I move to the new place and unpack, if those socks don't move with us, I'm dumping the single sock contents in the garbage!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I finally know what you look like.
I finally know what you look like.
I saw you picture on Justine's blog.
I finally know what you look like. :D

Patti Struble said...

We moved 650+ miles at the end of June. And, never, NEVER, again. I'm too old for moving stuff. I don't like it & next time we'll pay someone to do it - because it bites bologna. Take a few days, some aspirin & pretend you don't have any boxes to unpack. I still have 50+ sitting in my shed. If I ain't lookin' at it, then I don't need it! That's my theory.
Patti

C.E. said...

Saw you on a few other blogs i haunt and really glad I did. Your blog is so fun! I almost spit water when i got to the dbag comment. awesome. just awesome!

Kelly Dexter said...

I would definitely like to move again someday, but I don't know where I want to go yet. I'm hoping some magical place begins calling to me in my dreams or something . . .

Sorry about the phone and the socks, but congrats on the moving!

Thanks for the advice, and as always, the straight-up honesty. It is much appreciated.

Jared Larson said...

Hey Candace,
Hilarious post. I've heard great things about your blog so I thought I'd stop by and check it out. Great job! I look forward to more entertaining reads. Thanks.

Slamdunk said...

I think you cover every aspect to become an A+ blogger.

On the damaged keys, our youngest went through a period of being a keyboard vandal (as in messing them up and removal). I still have to hide my face from several of the neighbors who had never seen me so antimated.

aspiring_x said...

i totally had to look up the old posts to figure out what a dbag was! and then it was like douche! DUH!
good things were said here! and nothing is ever allowed to suck my bottom! ever... yuck! :)
and i love moving! (not the unpacking/packing part- but the newness!!)

Joanna St. James said...

I could make a career out of moving if I want to. I've lived in 4 countries, I officially belong to 3 and i've lived in countless cities and town, I think I move at least once a year. Maybe I should buy a house that should help the wanderlust but just like Talli i love London I cannot stay away for too long

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Did you know it's impossible to empty a house? There's always another drawer you haven't emptied, or that stuff in the back of the closet, or those things in the basement -- and you start to tell yourself: The new owners might want that. Yeah, that stuff I can't be bothered to put in a box and move. I'm sure they're going to need that. Better leave it.

Lenny Lee! said...

hi miss candace! did you know all dryers got a hole where a sock goes shazaaam right to a black hole in space. for me i think i pretty much do all your blogger rules. i like how you said "Be kind, not rude. Be real, never ever fake. Be honest, don't hide. Be humble, not boastful. Be mine." yep im yours for sure. :) im glad you got moved ok and got back to doing your cool blog. thanks for the nice words you said on miss sharons blog.
...hugs and love from lenny

Elliot Grace said...

...I've never heard of anyone calling a pair of socks little bastards, and I'm still laughing:)

Funny stuff. Glad I stopped by!

Erin MacPherson said...

Hi Candyland! Oh my goodness, you are HILARIOUS. I'm so glad I found you. And, I'm so glad you have your 298 (er, 310) friends for life. AND, I laughed out loud when you said you punish yourself by exercising if you don't get your writing done. Hi-larious.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

You are so funny...I hope you find all of your socks. (My hubby pointed out I was wearing mismatched white and grey socks one day this weekend...)

I hope my blog shows who I really am. I'm not edgy, I'm not funny, I'm not hip...Shesh...maybe I'll stop reading it...

Eric W. Trant said...

I got divorced in 2003 and been moving ever since.

Before that was pre-marital bullshayt, and before that was college, and before that was my parents' divorce, and before that was the time before.

So.

I never, never NEVER want to move again. Been here two years with my upgrade wife and plan to keep staying here with her.

I'll be buried in my car, my Tahoe, my baby, who's approaching 200k.

In this back yard.

- Eric

Cynthia Watson said...

Hey - thanks for stopping by my blog! Love your's!

I know what you mean about moving - it sucks!

Your a really good writer - great post!

Vicki Rocho said...

I love it when you start off on a rant. I can *almost* hear you!

I had an engineer explain to me once how it was theoretically possible for a sock to be 'thrown' from the washer during the spin cycle. Don't ask me to repeat it...it was years ago and it has something to do with the spinning and spontaneous particle something or other.

Carolyn V. said...

It would totally suck to move! I have so much crap. It would take forever. Good luck on the moving and when you find out about those socks, let me in on it, because I'm missing a bunch. =)

N. R. Williams said...

Followed you from my post and saw you at the BBQ too. I got a little behind. Interesting post, we are friends now. #314
Nancy
N. R. Williams, fantasy author

Samantha VĂ©rant said...

I just moved to France. I still don't have ***all*** my stuff. Especially socks. So I steal my husband's. Now, he's mad about all the "orphaned" socks. Yes. I lose socks. Where? Who knows. In any case, I have about twenty mismatched socks.

Nice to meet you Candance. My name is Samantha and...

toni said...

Awww, that advice was actually really sweet! Taking it under consideration :D

(And moving is soul-crushing, you have my sympathies.)

Following xxx