Thursday, May 12, 2011

Fear is the monster under my bed

I forgot how hard it is. To put yourself out there. To write, what you think, is your best. To be rejected. I don't miss this. The last couple of days, I've had a rush of fear. What if I made the wrong choice, leaving my agent? What if she was the only ONE who will give me a chance? What if I just threw away my dream?

Now, I'm not sure. About anything.

I'm sure there's a few of you out there who went through something similar. If so, tell me, how did you get through this initial period of "OMG WHAT DID I DO?"

I'm not sure what today brings, or tomorrow. I know that I have stories to tell and characters who are very real to me. I know when I saw my baby boy in an ultrasound at 5 weeks (when they said he wouldn't survive), I held on to the hope he'd fight. And here I am at 17 weeks, and he's healthy.

I know I don't give up easily, though it's been a bumpy ride and I'm running out of amazing agents to query. I know if I don't write, I feel empty. I know this process shouldn't be easy, but maybe it shouldn't be so hard, either...

The only thing for sure is, I know not where I belong, where I fit, this morning. Do you ever feel this way or is it just me?


Candyland. OUT.

20 comments:

Matthew MacNish said...

I feel that way all the time (probably because I don't fit in) but it's truthspeakers like you that bring me back from the edge each time.

You're doing exactly what you need to be doing. Just keep at it.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Sure I feel that way! Don't doubt yourself, Candance.

Justine Dell said...

As writers, we don't ever really fit in. There's always something about us that is strange/intriguing/off. Don't ever sweat fitting in, no matter what context you are referring too.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and this too is one of those things. While it all feels in shambles now, everything will fall into place again. That's the only place left to go.

~JD

Liz Fichera said...

I think that when you go through periods of doubt, you have to focus on what you can control, like writing your next book.

So glad to hear about your baby--and congrats! That is beautiful.

Solvang Sherrie said...

Wow, Candy -- lots been going on over here! Every writer I know has to face fear head on. It's kind of like our always present companion. But you're a fighter, just like that baby you're growing. Stay true to yourself and you'll not only survive, you'll thrive.

Linda G. said...

I've never met a writer who didn't have a certain amount of self-doubt. Goes with the territory, I'm afraid. Which, I know, isn't a lot of help, except maybe to know you're normal?

Jess said...

I one-hundred percent ditto Matt, who commented first. You're doing it right. Just hang in there and keep writing :) If you get frustrated, maybe try a break from novel-writing--there are plenty of Mommy/Pregnancy online magazines that accept submissions, and I'm guessing you have some powerful stories you could share.

Jo Schaffer said...

You got it going on. Don't look back.
(=

Heather said...

Yay for a healthy baby boy! When it comes to your book the first thing you have to decide is how much you believe in it. I'm guessing that's 100%, so the second thing you have to do is decide that your success and the success of your book does not rest in the hands of agents, but in you. You can do this, you can get an agent, or a publishing contract, or go it on your own! There are more options today than there ever were. We shouldn't let agents define our success.

Creepy Query Girl said...

give it a little time, Candy. Keep the faith. Your query and manuscript is probably where it needs to be- but that's not all that matters. I think a lot of our queries and ms are where they should be. It's a question of finding someone who shares your vision, who loves your story, your writing and wants to help you get there. That person is NOT always easy to find- kind of like looking for a soulmate. But I believe that if you just keep going, eventually it's got to happen. Congrats on your healthy baby and keep the faith!

Nicole Zoltack said...

I definitely feel that way sometimes! It's never easy to be in the query trenches, but it's better to be there than to stick with an agent that doesn't have the same vision in mind for your novel (or whatever the reason was that you parted ways). Sometimes you just have to let go and move on. I have faith that you'll find your agent, and you should too!

Lenny Lee* said...

hi miss candace! just keep on following your heart!
...big hugs from lenny

Jessica Bell said...

I feel like this all the time. And I don't think you being pregnant is helping! All your emotions are probably hightened. You'll be alright. Everything happens for a reason. I really believe that.

Elana Johnson said...

Okay, I so get this fear! I do. BUT you will find the right agent for you, and that other one is not the only one out there.

Because, remember, the best agent is the one who loves and can sell your book. Who's actively working FOR you. And you'll find that person!

Abby Minard said...

We would all feel exactly the same way you do, if we were in your shoes. It's scary, but you have to be comfortable with who is representing your work. Good luck Candace, we are always here for you ;)

The Las Vegas Writer said...

Right there with you.

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

I feel the same way. But you follow your heart, and it will lead you down the right path, every time. Thinking of you <3

LReneeS said...

I know exactly what you mean, Candace. Writing is probably the most difficult dream to pursue. I have stories and characters that I feel need to be shared, that feel --as you said--so real. It's challenging to go through it every day, wondering when you'll ever hear another response. And knowing that even when you do get one, they could easily turn you down just as the several others had.
You just have to keep holding onto your dreams. You want to write? Write. If we weren't set on this dream, wouldn't we have given up on this long ago? At the end of the day, I get through it all because I feel I can't feel like I'm living life unless I'm doing what I love. And even though writing is the most stressful factor of every day, I look around at the people who are supporting me and I know this is where I belong.

We can get there, Candace. Hold onto your dreams, keep writing, and someday you'll be able to say you reached the top of the mountain. The stories and characters who are close and real to you now will come alive. And isn't that worth it? You said your son is healthy even though the doctors thought he might not survive, but look where you are now. You can get through this, Candace. Don't give up on the hope you have:)

Always,
Lindsey

Auto Title Loans said...

I think there is something in the air this week, because I have been feeling this way since Monday. I've almost lost my sense of "home" and not knowing what I want, where I belong, etc. You're not alone; but the optimist in me says to keep your head up. It has to turn around, right?
Ava

LTM said...

((hugs))

I didn't know about the writerly turmoil you've been dealing with. I'm so sorry. :o\

I did know about your little baby boy, and that's SO exciting!!! Hang in there honey. Good things are coming your way~ <3