Tuesday, July 26, 2011

When fear grips you, just say ballz

I never thought I would be here. This petrifying place where my hands tremble at the mere thought of writing something meaningful. It happened with one of my jobs. My boss asked me to write an article with 1/2 an hour left on the clock. At first glance, my heart sped as sweat fell from my brow. I looked over the reference articles, listened as the clock's tick grew louder, and cried, fear I would fail at something else, let someone down, be less than I'm meant to be.

Like the rejection I received an hour after finishing the article, even though I haven't queried or written in months.

I've never been in this place before. The world around me bustles in different directions. Friends straying, busy families falling to busier schedules, and my footprints, the marks I choose to leave, fade faster with each passing day. I've lost followers. My inbox is empty. My writing has stalled. Not just because I'm pregnant (with regular, strong contractions + high blood pressure already, btw...). Not just because I've been rejected more times than I can count (and betrayed by an agent) over a 2 year span. Not just because everything around me is moving too fast for me to catch up.

I sit, behind the scenes, as those around me get agents, sell books, make dreams come true. Dreams that use to be mine until I realized I wasn't on the right path. Some get married, have babies or move far from home much like I really want to do. Others stand still, like me (aside from the bun in my oven thing). But no one talks about it. Because to talk about it means to admit you're still...watching everyone move. I feel the waves pushing me into the currant, far from those at shore. I'm not sure what it means. For me, for writing, for life. But I know one thing.

I will not let fear, or money, keep me from reaching my destination. Wherever or whatever that may be.

I hope this finds you well, friends. Candyland is lonely without you. 

Candyland. OUT.

P.S. BALLZ. <--Just because.

13 comments:

Maltov77 said...

Hang in there... opportunities are bound to come your way. Your talent will prevail, I'm sure of it. And if you need a shoulder, Aunt Ballz is only a couple hundred miles away now.

Sarah Pearson said...

I wish I knew exactly the right words to say to make you feel better but I don't. So I'll just say good on you for not giving up; and send you hugs xx

Patty Blount said...

Candace, some advice that's yours to delete, ignore, follow, or forward. You know that old saying, Shit Happens? Bear with me; I usually want to smack people who tell me that, even though it's true.

Among all this shit happening - buns in the oven, agents who didn't work out, rejections, tax increases, gas prices, bombings, shootings, and the few thousand other things we can add to the list of shit - there is ONLY ONE THING YOU CAN CONTROL...

How you choose to respond.

I understand, all too well, what you're saying. Been there, done that. When I noticed a long-time Tweep was no longer following me, I nearly emailed him to demand an answer. What did I do? Tell me! Then, I decided it doesn't matter. There are many more relationships I've started online that have strengthened and deepened to more than make up for his absence. When I stopped to think about it in those terms, I was no longer hurt.

The only thing that matters, the only opinion that matters, is yours. You say your writing has stalled? Then find the thing that centers you, re-energizes you, so you can get it moving again. Remember that you're the one driving to that destination; wherever it may be.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

There are seasons for all things. You have not stalled - you are resting and regrouping. You are taking a deep breath and trying to figure out what you want to do next.

Brianna said...

fear I would fail at something else, let someone down, be less than I'm meant to be.
I share the same fears a lot of the time. What I try to remember is that I really only fail if I let the fear keep me from doing something. Try and tell yourself what you'd tell your daughter if she came to you with those fears. That's what I do. If I want my daughter to believe in herself and not let fear overwhelm her, I have to set an example.

aside from the bun in my oven thing
That 'bun in the oven' thing is life growing inside you! It's miraculous; it's amazing; it's hard work! Don't be too hard on yourself. I didn't write during my pregnancy. I was too sick. But after she was born, I slowly started to write again. You'll get back into a writing groove again!

anthony stemke said...

You're okay. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on that horse of life.

Julie said...

Lately, I've been feeling the 'standing still' thing too. If it's not people scoring an agent or a book deal, it's book release day, and although I'm so happy for everyone, I'm so jealous too.
But I'm not even close to where you are.
You'll never lose me as a follower or as a friend, and I'll always do my best to pick you up when you're feeling low!
Your footsteps will never completely fade...I guarantee you've touched more people than you know, and that is not easily forgotten.
Hang in there, lady! Many (((hugs))) to you.

Nicole Zoltack said...

There is nothing wrong with taking a step back, refocusing, and diving headfirst back into the foray. It's not always easy but anything worth having is worth fighting for.

Creepy Query Girl said...

Ive been there. A few times actually. And all I can say is that at some point, it will feel right again. All of it. At least, in my experience- there will be a lull in motivation, hope, energy, and overall desire to not only move with the tide but take a goddam boat and try and shoot across the waters. But it will come back, when its good and ready because you are a writer. And a blogger. And a strong person. YOu can't take that out of you because it is part of who you are and even if it isn't at the forefront of your life right now, it will be again. So, give yourself a break- those who've followed you for some time know what you're capable of and know that you'll be back in full swing at some point and when you do, we'll be here. Like family- there's no getting rid of us.

Theresa Milstein said...

I'm sorry you feel stalled. And I'm sorry followers have left you. I know this pregnancy hasn't been easy, so give yourself a break. You're in a time of transition. You won't always feel this way. Also know it's okay to focus your time on things other than blogging and writing for a little while. You haven't failed or even stalled. You need your energy elsewhere.

For the last couple of months, I've had similar feelings and I don't even have pregnancy as an excuse. Seek people out when you need them. I'm here!

tmilstein at gmail dot com

Len Lambert said...

Hi Candace. I'm already a follower but haven't been here for quite awhile. I've missed a lot of your posts so now I'm catching up. I'm glad I am.

I'm sorry some followers have left you. Some followers are 'unfollowing' me as well because I haven't gotten the time to visit them for awhile. There was also a time when I did not write for a month or so and I also have not blogged. Because life happens.

I admire your strength. And I believe that with your talent and determination, you will reach your goal one day.

Leslie Rose said...

Life has a way of readjusting our priorities for us. They will adjust back to your writing passion. Promise. Been there. Sending you positive vibes.

Matthew MacNish said...

I'm out of town, enjoying the dirty hippy world of the PNW with my peeps, but I've got one thing to say: you fucking rule, and you will survive, because I will effing make you.

Yes. I combined a real swear with a euphemism for a swear, it's a strategy, and I will explain it. Mater.