Friday, September 10, 2010

Feel me up Friday Awards: Answers and crap PART ONE

You never know what's going to come out of my mouth, but yesterday I didn't know what was going to come out of yours (well, your keyboard). Very nice ladies and germs. No time wastin' today. I'll get right to the BEEF (ugh, I hate words that have EEF in them...REEF, LEAF...).

Anne asks What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen European swallow?
Well, Anne, it's really a question of weight ratios. By estimating how many wing flaps per second (fA/U=7 beats per second, 0.18 meters per beat, 9.5 meters per second) there is still no definitive answer and requires more studying. Though, if I were to guesstimate based on the Strouhal equation for cruising flight, I'd say the M Effers' airspeed velocity is roughly 11 meters per second or 24 miles per hour, or some shizz like that.

Anne adds: Whats your go-to karaoke song?
Though I loathe karaoke, and much prefer a gaggle of hot guy playing with their instruments around me, if I *have* to do it, it's going to be something like Evanesence's Bring Me to Life or Alanis Morrisette's You Oughtta Know.

Matthew (TIM) Rush asks: For you SAHM means:
a)Sexy AND Hot Mamma
b)Special Access Hubbing Model
c)Stay at Home Mom
d)Super Awesome Heterogeneous Musician
e)Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine
I'd choose F. For F@ck off with these. SAHM stands for Saving All Hottness (for) Matt (Brady)

LTM asks: What are you wearing right now and why?
Jammie-jams, socks pulled up to the knee and a dirty robe. I don't get much hotter.

LTM adds: Who's hotter Adrien Brody or Matt Brady?
Leigh...if you could hear me sigh, you'd have your answer.

Summer Ross asks: Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Because to men, two boobies=one giant mass of fun, and panties (I hate that word too) are plural because it's a party down there and more than one panty (bleh) should attend.

Kelly Breakey asks: Which is your favorite New Medicine song?
Yay for your new autographed CD, btw! My favorite isn't on there. It's called Like a Rose, and I'm pretty sure it's about me. You Tube it.

Slamdunk asks: How many bags of trash did you generate from your move?
If you count my cats, just 2 furry bags of suckage.

aspiring_x asks: If you were to wipe your nose on your sleeve would it be the left sleeve or right?
I think you meant to ask the hubs this one. Candyland would get off her ass and get an effing tissue.

Jennifer Shirk asks: Do you hang your toilet paper in the over the roll or under the roll position?
Is this innuendo? If so, I prefer under. If not, I prefer over.

Shannon O' Donnell asks: What's your all time, #1, very favorite, can't-live-without-it book?
My checkbook.

Kelly Polark asks: If you were Kat Von D, would you date Jesse James or go back to Nikki sixx?
I'd lose them both and seek out a more age-appropriate understudy by the name of uhh MATT EFFING BRADY!

Kelly adds: If you could have dessert with anyone who would it be and what kind of dessert?
His name rhymes with Fat Grady, and it would be the sweet dish of love.

Jen asks: You're at the zoo, stranded, it's late and no one is around. In fact the zoo is closed and you're locked in. You need to escape and all you have with you is a pocket watch, $100 bill and bubble gum. How do you escape?
I've been preparing for this question my whole life. I'd obviously sit with my back against the gorilla enclosure,  (because they're awesome) blowing bubbles (who's Bubble's..hehe), watching the seconds pass on my watch, while thinking about the $100 bill in my pocket. Until the zoo opened in the morning. I'm not f@cking Macguyver.

Jen adds: A hot actor couple (take your pick, Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt, blah, blah, blah) in town have paid you (TONS OF MONEY) to start a scandal on the red carpet. You must kiss the actor on the lips and confess the affair. Only one problem, paparazzi, security and fans stand in your way, I mean this place is sealed tighter than the white house. How do you make this happen?
That's easy. I'd bring along my a-hole cat, Fim and no one would notice anything I'd do because he sucks.

Okay friends, I'm pretty sure I've held my breath typing through these. PART TWO will resume Monday and believe me, they get weirder. Thanks to everyone who commented. You can still add your insane question by commenting HERE. This is my way of procrastinating about talking about something of substance...
Until Monday, How would you answer one of these crazy questions?
Candyland. OUT.


salarsenッ said...

I effing love your answer to Summer's question. I'm flipping crying!!!! I can't stop. How messed up are we? That question has been gnawing at my brain for years yet I've never asked it. You go, Summer.

Anne said...

Hahaa these are awesome questions and answers. More! MORE!!!

aspiring_x said...

usually piercings are cool... but yuck! i wonder what his mama thinks about that...

Vicki Rocho said...

I LOVE your answers! OMG, you're so funny! Love the MacGuyver one.


Jared Larson said...

I totally missed these yesterday. WTEff! I loved the Zoo answer. Genius. Who is Bubbles anyway?

Kelly Breakey said...

I just you tubed it and that one is pretty good too. I will have to visit you tube and listen to all of the songs I don't have on the CD this weekend. Also I am getting my autographed poster framed this weekend. It will hang in a place of honor in my office. Promise to send pictures!

Summer Ross said...

Great answers, Sa larsen thanks!

Linda G. said...

You are high-larious! You know that, right? Thanks for my Friday morning laugh. :)

Dawn said...

I am more than slightly saddened that I forgot to return to your blog yesterday with a brilliant question! Love your answers.
And I need to print that picture off because it seems every day my stepdaughter asks: Can I pierce my _____? We've managed to maintain it to ears and nose, but I've been bugged more than once about lip, brow, tongue, "snake bites", Marilyn Munroe, and goodness knows what else.

Justine Dell said...

Sigh--I know these people. LoL.

The questions where great, the answers even better. Thanks for making my Friday!!

I would answer one, but my answer would sound lame compared to yours! ;-)


T.J. Carson said...

oh ewwwww TOO MANY PIERCINGS! The guy looks like a mutant. This caught my attention before anything else. ewwwww.

Haha like your answer to Jen's question, that was funny!

Matthew Rush said...

You're sick.

Like in a wicked pissah kind of way, which means you're awesome, of course.

Kelly said...

That was freaking hilarious!
My husband always says that "Who's Bubbles?" or "Oh, Bubbles said to say hi."
Nicely done peoples!

Kelly said...

And I had to ask one more question on the other post because these are so fun!

Carolyn V. said...

Hee hee. Awesome answers. I can't live w/o my checkbook either. I can't wait for part two!

Lenny Lee! said...

hi miss candace! wow you win your own prize for being soooo funny! ha ha. that pierce picture is such a funny answer to that question. i like the bird one and the checkbook one. they got me laughing lots. cant wait to see more fun answers on monday.
...laughs and hugs from lenny

Nicole Zoltack said...

Love your answers! And I guess it's a good thing I didn't ask what was your best MacGuyver moment was.

Anonymous said...

Your answer to Jen's question was my favorite! Can't wait for you to get to rest on Monday.

Robyn Campbell said...

You have me laughing so hard all the people in the house are rushing to see the fuuny.

I must think of a question to pose. Can't let this opportunity fly away, now can I? *hugs*

Cinette said...

This is the most hilarious post I've read all week! I'll be back monday to see you top yourself;-)


Jen said...

I'M SO EFFIN PROUD OF YOU CANDYLAND! You never let me down... I knew Vicki would appreciate the thought behind my questions. They were tough but I knew you could handle them... though I'm disappointed, I had faith that you were MacGuyver, but none the less our answer had me laughing out loud.

Panties and Bra... answered so well... toilet paper innuendo keeps me giggling.

You better never leave the blogosphere, I would miss you far too much.

Elana Johnson said...

I would do anything to be wearing my pj's and a robe right now. Only 30 more minutes and I'm off for the weekend! Hope you have a good one.

Donna Hosie said...

LMAO! I am so feeling the Matt Brady love right now.

Janet Johnson said...

You are craziness incarnate. I love it! :)

Janet Johnson said...

You are craziness incarnate. I love it! :)

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'm not sure which is more creative: the questions or the answers.

Candace, you're just too funny! :D

Melissa said...

Oh my god. WHere have you been all my life. You are hilarious! ANd you just keep getting funnier. LOVE.

LTM said...

GAH! Freakish nightmare scariest sh!t ever! Why'd you put that piercing picture up... my eyes!

but omg--LOL! BAH!!! :D no no no, it's Adrien BrOOOOdy or Matt BrAAAAdy... ;p I think you know my answer...

that panty answer just confused me... tickle panty party, Macguyver.

Jennifer Shirk said...

Oh my gosh, hilarious snarky answers! LOL!

Jennifer Shirk said...

Oh my gosh, hilarious snarky answers! LOL!

Slamdunk said...

Thanks for answering my question. Two? I am glad I did not place a bet on that--I was thinking a much larger number.