Feel me up Friday Awards: Answers and crap PART ONE

You never know what's going to come out of my mouth, but yesterday I didn't know what was going to come out of yours (well, your keyboard). Very nice ladies and germs. No time wastin' today. I'll get right to the BEEF (ugh, I hate words that have EEF in them...REEF, LEAF...).

Anne asks What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen European swallow?
Well, Anne, it's really a question of weight ratios. By estimating how many wing flaps per second (fA/U=7 beats per second, 0.18 meters per beat, 9.5 meters per second) there is still no definitive answer and requires more studying. Though, if I were to guesstimate based on the Strouhal equation for cruising flight, I'd say the M Effers' airspeed velocity is roughly 11 meters per second or 24 miles per hour, or some shizz like that.

Anne adds: Whats your go-to karaoke song?
Though I loathe karaoke, and much prefer a gaggle of hot guy playing with their instruments around me, if I *have* to do it, it's going to be something like Evanesence's Bring Me to Life or Alanis Morrisette's You Oughtta Know.

Matthew (TIM) Rush asks: For you SAHM means:
a)Sexy AND Hot Mamma
b)Special Access Hubbing Model
c)Stay at Home Mom
d)Super Awesome Heterogeneous Musician
e)Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine
I'd choose F. For F@ck off with these. SAHM stands for Saving All Hottness (for) Matt (Brady)

LTM asks: What are you wearing right now and why?
Jammie-jams, socks pulled up to the knee and a dirty robe. I don't get much hotter.


LTM adds: Who's hotter Adrien Brody or Matt Brady?
Leigh...if you could hear me sigh, you'd have your answer.

Summer Ross asks: Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Because to men, two boobies=one giant mass of fun, and panties (I hate that word too) are plural because it's a party down there and more than one panty (bleh) should attend.

Kelly Breakey asks: Which is your favorite New Medicine song?
Yay for your new autographed CD, btw! My favorite isn't on there. It's called Like a Rose, and I'm pretty sure it's about me. You Tube it.

Slamdunk asks: How many bags of trash did you generate from your move?
If you count my cats, just 2 furry bags of suckage.

aspiring_x asks: If you were to wipe your nose on your sleeve would it be the left sleeve or right?
I think you meant to ask the hubs this one. Candyland would get off her ass and get an effing tissue.

Jennifer Shirk asks: Do you hang your toilet paper in the over the roll or under the roll position?
Is this innuendo? If so, I prefer under. If not, I prefer over.

Shannon O' Donnell asks: What's your all time, #1, very favorite, can't-live-without-it book?
My checkbook.

Kelly Polark asks: If you were Kat Von D, would you date Jesse James or go back to Nikki sixx?
I'd lose them both and seek out a more age-appropriate understudy by the name of uhh MATT EFFING BRADY!

Kelly adds: If you could have dessert with anyone who would it be and what kind of dessert?
His name rhymes with Fat Grady, and it would be the sweet dish of love.

Jen asks: You're at the zoo, stranded, it's late and no one is around. In fact the zoo is closed and you're locked in. You need to escape and all you have with you is a pocket watch, $100 bill and bubble gum. How do you escape?
I've been preparing for this question my whole life. I'd obviously sit with my back against the gorilla enclosure,  (because they're awesome) blowing bubbles (who's Bubble's..hehe), watching the seconds pass on my watch, while thinking about the $100 bill in my pocket. Until the zoo opened in the morning. I'm not f@cking Macguyver.

Jen adds: A hot actor couple (take your pick, Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt, blah, blah, blah) in town have paid you (TONS OF MONEY) to start a scandal on the red carpet. You must kiss the actor on the lips and confess the affair. Only one problem, paparazzi, security and fans stand in your way, I mean this place is sealed tighter than the white house. How do you make this happen?
That's easy. I'd bring along my a-hole cat, Fim and no one would notice anything I'd do because he sucks.

Okay friends, I'm pretty sure I've held my breath typing through these. PART TWO will resume Monday and believe me, they get weirder. Thanks to everyone who commented. You can still add your insane question by commenting HERE. This is my way of procrastinating about talking about something of substance...
Until Monday, How would you answer one of these crazy questions?
Candyland. OUT.